These Are the Weirdest Crimes Committed in 2016 (So Far)

Bar brawl because of a fart?

By Brenden Gallagher

One of the greatest things about the Internet era is that it is now infinitely easier to keep track of all the crazy crimes that happen around the world. Although 2016 is only half over, there have already been a number of bizarre and ridiculous crimes committed. From brawling Easter bunnies to carrots filled with drugs, here are the Weirdest Crimes of 2016 So Far.

  • Naked Man Stuck in Chimney

    On some Mary Poppins ish, a 29 year-old Iowa man got himself caught in a chimney last month. At first, employees working in the building where Jordan Kajewski got himself stuck thought a ghost was visiting them. But, once they heard him yell, ““I’m in your chimney. I was playing hide-and-seek with my cousin. Don’t call the cops. I just need some help getting out.” they realized that were being tormented by something far more mortal. Once Kajewski was released from the chimney and arrested for trespassing, more questions were raised than answered. The man was buck naked and reportedly had recently asked for a job at the aluminum can redemption center located on the premises.

  • Eight Year-Old Robs Grocery Store

    Sadly, there’s nothing remarkable about the attempted armed robbery of a grocery story. When an eight year-old shows himself to be a child robbery prodigy, that is remarkable. The boy entered a King’s Grocery and demanded money from a cashier who promptly took the gun from him. Though the gun was loaded, no one was hurt. Of course, he got the gun from his mother’s purse. God Bless America.

  • Breaking and Entering In the Nude

    People break into homes all the time, but they don’t often do it when someone is at home. Even more they definitely don’t do it naked. Gail Wilson was minding her own business and eating some soup when a naked stranger burst into her home, said “Hi Honey, I’m home!” and attempted to hug her. Once Gail called the police, the naked intruder attempted to escape and ended up hanging in a tree by his ankle. Yes, authorities think drugs are involved.

  • Sh-t Happens!

    Goodyear Police Department

    An Arizona reporter Jonathan Lowe had to go. Like really, really had to go. So he went, allegedly dropping a load on someone’s lawn. The 33-year-old news guy was “charged with a misdemeanor for allegedly defecating in someone’s front yard.” C’mon bruh!

  • Baconator, Alligator!

    As if working at a fast food restaurant didn’t already suck enough, a Florida man made one crew’s Wendy’s shift even worse. 24 year-old Joshua James threw a three foot long gator through the drive-thru window of a Wendy’s franchise. James faces charges of assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful possession and transportation of an alligator. Worst of all, a judge banned him from all Wendy’s restaurants.

  • Prank it Your Way!

    Burger King employees in Morro Bay, CA totally trashed their franchise. No, this wasn’t an employee uprising, it was the result of a prank call. A malicious prankster called the location and claimed that there was a gas leak. The caller told employees that they needed to break the windows in the restaurant to allow for ventilation. The staff caused tens of thousands of dollars of damage, and of course, there was no gas leak.

  • Woman’s Gut Gets Her Drunk

    We’ve all heard some pretty terrible excuses for DUIs over the years. One woman’s terrible excuse turned out to be totally true: her body gets her drunk. A woman from Western New York was pulled over for drunk driving, but it turns out that she suffers from “Gut Fermentation Syndrome,” a rare condition in which your body gets you drunk. Gut Fermentation Syndrome makes you register a BAC of someone who is totally loaded, even if you’ve had nothing to drink. Don’t expect this to work as your defense if you get in hot water for having one too many cold ones. There is only one other instance of GTS as a legal defense in recent American history.

  • Easter Bunny Brawl

    The Jersey City Easter Bunny don’t play. A 22 year-old man working as the Easter Bunny at the Newport Center Mall in Jersey City got into an altercation with a 44 year-old father after his daughter allegedly slipped out of the Easter Bunny’s lap. Both men were charged with aggravated assault and disorderly conduct. Clearly, the holiday spirit was considerably dampened that day.

  • Booze Pipeline Busted

    Ukrainian officials uncovered one of the most ambitious bootlegging attempts in history following some arrests earlier this month. The scheming smugglers rented an apartment on the western edge of Ukraine next to a riverbank, and started laying pipe from Moldova across the river. Authorities caught them before they could finish their grand plan: an alcohol pipeline, kind of like the Keystone Pipeline meets a chugging funnel. Don’t worry: we hear that vodka supplies in the Ukraine remain stable nonetheless.

  • Drunken Ambulance Joyride

    A 22 year-old University of Rochester student took this concept of a drunken joyride to a whole new level when he drunkenly stole an ambulance and went cruising around campus. Thankfully, he only managed to drive a half-mile before he crashed the ambulance, and the only damage done was to the vehicle and an innocent flower bed.

  • Who Smelt It Dealt It

    Flatulence is something we all get a laugh out of sometimes. But is it ever something we brawl over? Apparently that’s what happened at a local Miami restaurant aptly named, Sloppy Joe’s Bar. According to the Miami Herald, two couples reportedly came to blows after someone farted in the popular watering hole. “The argument was due to someone farting,” police were told by one of the combatants who suffered a dislocated shoulder.