Hilariously Brilliant Yelp Reviews of Celebrity-Owned Restaurants

"Yelp says I need to make my review longer, which is bulls---."

Celebrities are great at entertaining us. But that doesn’t mean they’re good at everything. For those lucky celebs who gave a stab at entrepreneurial efforts in the restaurant biz and are still afloat, we salute you. But not all of your customers do. Here are Yelp users who felt passionately enough about their experience at a celebrity-owned restaurant to take time out of their busy lives and tell us how they really felt about it. Because celebs, you need to know.


Jay-Z’s 40/40 Club in NYC

Thank god for Ruggy, who will not sugarcoat this review.

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Andres knows that whatever wifey says, goes.

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Jamie knows what she likes, and I respect that.

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Guy Fieri’s Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in NYC

This Yelp reviewer has a personal vendetta against Guy. Use your judgement.

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Emily is short, sweet, and over it.

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Is there a diss lower than this, though?

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Justin Timberlake’s Southern Hospitality in NYC

Paul is still kicking himself over this review. But it needs to be out there. #TheStruggle

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Only if you’re in the hood, though.

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Patrick wants to say he’s genuinely sorry to his friend, who he calls by nickname, JT.

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Susan Sarandon’s SPiN in NYC

#COLLEGE

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Christopher is not convinced rn.

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Lisa Vanderpump’s Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills, CA

Sloe only likes the finer things in life, and has no time for Lisa and her peasants.

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Sabrina does not give a f— about who you are, Lisa. Sry.

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Mark Wahlberg’s Wahlburgers in Hungham, MA

Now Shana here has her priorities right.

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And Ben just wants you to know how he feels, OK?

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Michael Jordan’s The Steak House N.Y.C. in NYC

Richard is just not havin’ it. And he probs didn’t even eat here.

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Asako knows how to have a good time, so f— the restaurant and just hang with her.

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Brett Favre’s Brett Favre’s Steakhouse in Green Bay, WI

Brett, are you listening? Keith is super sorry that your restaurant sucks.

Robert De Niro’s Nobu in NYC

This girl does not want to waste anymore time. Like, she won’t even bother with spell check.

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Don’t bother questioning Steph because she just did it for you.

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Puns are life, Jim. Puns are life.

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Quentin Tarantino’s DO Hwa in NYC

And the best for last.

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Celebs: open restaurants if you dare. It’s a brutal world out there.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber