Scott Disick Thinks He’s Cursed + More Deranged Celebrity Sorcery This Week

Of course he does.

Has this week felt weird to you? Have you stepped in gum more than usual? Did you trip walking into your office yesterday–even though you wore flats? Don’t worry, we feel the weirdness, too. But it has nothing to do with you. There is no bad karma in the air. The reason is simple: celebrity witchcraft.

Something is brewing over in Hollywood, and it’s chock-full of dark magic. The spells A-listers are casting have thrown off everyone’s energy, hence your current gum-in-shoe problem. These are the nine witchiest pop culture moments of the week. Once you read them, every s–ty thing that happened to you on Monday will make sense. The answer is always–without fail–witches.

  • Scott Disick uses a rooster to wash the Kardashian curse off his body.

    E!

    It was only a matter of time before this show got witchy. In the latest episode, Disick visits a card reader because he thinks dating Kourtney Kardashian has cursed him. In fact, he thinks anyone who dates a Kardashian gets hexed. The card reader confirms his suspicions and instructs him to perform a ritual with a rooster wearing all white. And because it’s television, Disick indulges. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

  • Kylie Jenner hypnotizes us with her nipples.

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    An Instagram post for Jenner’s new lip color features her nipples more than her actual lips. Is it working? Do you want that color, though?

  • Chad Johnson from The Bachelorette has a, “Magic mirror on the wall!” moment. (Read: He’s an apple-wielding witch.)

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    This season’s villain–who was eliminated in the last episode–uploaded a video of himself watching the show. “So I finally watched the show at my sisters.. Holy tits now I understand why some people hate me!” he said. Wait. Chad Every-Guy-Here-Sucks-But-Me Johnson is being…humble?! Yup. This is definitely witchcraft.

  • Kim Kardashian performs garment-disappearing spell, clothes evaporate.

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    Bippity, boppity, boo nude! Kim appears on the cover of this month’s GQ wearing nothing but a leather jacket. You know Kanye West’s icy Met Gala eyes persuaded her to do this.

  • Nick Jonas’ penis is most definitely a zombie.

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    Jonas told Jimmy Fallon that a weed lollipop interaction caused his penis to spontaneously erect the next day–a NARB, or no-apparent-reason boner, he called it. Our theory? His junk was hexed by a witch.

  • Lena Dunham, possible witch, endorses Grimm’s Fairytales on live television.

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    Was it a coincidence she opened up this box during her game of “Box of Lies,” or was it divine intervention?

  • James Franco summoned the powers of the Earth and decked himself in flowers.

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    How else do you explain this get-up?

  • The Jendashians get lit in a spooky house of torture.

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    Kris Jenner, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian got drunk and goofed around in a torture chamber. You know they cast spells in there.

  • A literal wizard made this person’s arm light up.

    But for real: This Harry Potter-themed tattoo glows in the effing dark. Lumos!