Ben Affleck’s Spooky Deflategate Rant + More of This Week’s Celebrity Sorcery

This was a crazy week.

Has this week felt weird to you? Have you stepped in gum more than usual? Did you trip walking into your office yesterday–even though you wore flats? Don’t worry, we feel the weirdness, too. But it has nothing to do with you. There is no bad karma in the air. The reason is simple: celebrity witchcraft.

Something is brewing over in Hollywood, and it’s chock-full of dark magic. The spells A-listers are casting have thrown off everyone’s energy, hence your current gum-in-shoe problem. These are the eight witchiest pop culture moments of the week. Once you read them, every s–ty thing that happened to you on Monday will make sense. The answer is always–without fail–witches.

  • A football wizard possessed Ben Affleck and made him go on an expletive-filled rant about Deflategate.

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    The red-blooded Bostonian appeared on Bill Simmons’ new show Any Given Wednesday and made it very clear he is pissed about how the NFL and Roger Goodell handled Tom Brady’s suspension during the Deflategate crisis of 2015. Now if he could just channel this energy into an acting performance…

  • Selma Blair says a strange man “burns” her “private parts” in a spooky mid-flight meltdown.

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    According to People, Blair allegedly mixed alcohol with medication while on a Los Angeles-bound flight and began saying bizarre things about an unnamed male. “He won’t let me eat or drink,” she said. “He beats me. He’s going to kill me.” What dark witch is responsible for this?

  • Carly Rae Jepsen is the Good (Hair) Witch of the North–in Japan.

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    The Emotion singer plays matchmaker in a commercial for the Japanese hair brand Moist Diane. It ends with two people levitating.

  • Britney Spears posted this photo of a well.

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    What is she doing down there? Incantations?

  • Judith Hill is the male pop star whisperer.

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    The 32-year-old Voice alum was with both Michael Jackson and Prince right before they died. Coincidence…or magic?

  • Kris Jenner is a possible blood witch.

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    In a deleted scene from Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Jenner recalls the time she thought she saw blood in the late Nicole Brown Simpson’s house. It was Jell-O.

  • Lindsay Lohan is the music Messiah.

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    The iconic Speak singer confirmed she will release a third album, her first in more than a decade. As the Bible predicted, Jesus (Lohan) will return to judge the living and the dead.

  • Todrick Hall goes to Oz.

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    There are wizards there.