By Claire Downs
Sometimes love finds you when you least expect it. Dating is already a nightmare, so what difference does it make if the guy or lady you want to date is actually an axe-murderer or possessed by a demon within? Horror movies are rife with single ladies, single guys, and single creatures from alternate universes. Maybe deep down, all they’re really looking for is love. Who cares if they’re deformed from a horrible accident or cursed with the eternal damnation? My palms are sweating and it’s not just cause I’m scared! I’m crushing AF. Just be careful, ’cause some of these bachelors might ghost ya.
Pros: Candyman is a gentleman. He’s got sweet threads, and he’s always got something up his sleeve. Just when you think he’s nowhere to be seen, he shows up at the party ready to whisk you off your feet.
Cons: You have every right to be suspicious of Candyman. Not only does he claim he’s “hundreds of years old,” he’s always promising things. Today, he says he’ll grant you immortality. Tomorrow he says he’ll pay your phone bill. But wait until he makes good on his promises before you start offering a commitment.
Dateability: Middle. He’s one of the most handsome villains, but he’s never there when you need him. You always have to call him five times before he’ll even pick up the phone.
Patrick Bateman, American Psycho
Pros: He’s a Harvard grad and he’s part of the 1%, which means he’s rich AF. He knows how to occupy Wall Street and our hearts with those slick suits!
Cons: Hard to schedule a date when he’s always got “other plans” at night. And he probably still uses a Blackberry!
Dateability: High. Pencil him in for a power lunch and he’s all yours. Just don’t ask questions about his hobbies.
Pros: Jigsaw, also known as John Kramer, is a smart guy. This older Zaddie is great at game night, role playing in the bedroom, and picking out clever b-day gifts. Jigsaw believes in you and really wants you to succeed.
Cons: Nobody likes mind games, but some men just want to play them. One minute it seems like Jigsaw is into you, the next minute he’s hidden a key in a pile of hypodermic needles and he’s making you look for it to survive. Which is it, Jigsaw?
Dateability: High. If you love mystery and distance, Jigsaw is your guy. Buy if you want answers and commitment, look elsewhere (if you can escape.)
Leatherface, Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Pros: You gotta love a guy who knows how to cook! Leatherface is a former butcher and I bet our housewarming BBQ would be off the chain! He’s a Southern boy, so he definitely seasons his meat and makes sure there’s not any bones (except the ones he saves to make furniture.)
Cons: He’s not much for conversation, in fact he’s completely mute. Also, he’s brutally murdered over thirty-three people and turned their skin into a face mask.
Dateability: Low. If you’re dating someone just for their BBQ, chances are you don’t have much in common with them. Appreciate what they bring to the table (literally and figuratively), but he wants to go deeper, RUN.
Norman Bates, Psycho
Pros: There is something to be said for a guy who loves his momma! Norman Bates is charming and sensitive. On top of that, he owns his own business!
Cons: It’s possible to be too tight with your fam, and Norman is definitely crossed that line: he killed his mom and her lover in a jealous rage. Also, he hates doing it in the shower, which is a big bummer.
Dateability: High. Everybody’s got issues, some more than others. If you can get past his crazy eyes and mommy issues, you should be fine…for awhile.
The Witch, The Witch
Pros: The Witch is the life of the party. She’s always down to get lit with her girl squad, or spend time with her BFFs, a possessed goat named Black Phillip and The Devil. In a world that can feel Puritanical, the Witch never fails to bring some sexy mischief to any situation.
Cons: She’s hard to pin down: it seems like every other night she’s already made plans to go to another forest orgy! Also, she has a hungry bloodlust for babies and small animals, so she’s no cheap date.
Dateability: High! If you’re not threatened by her tight relationship with Black Phillip and you’re down for sacrificing your time, body parts and/or soul, she’s a total catch.
The Babadook, The Babadook
Pros:The Babadook is one of those guys who is totally into you, but you just don’t see it. If you give him a chance, you’d see he’s goofy and sweet. He’s Australian, and his style is definitely inspired by Slash from Guns N’ Roses.
Cons: Sometimes his behavior borders on creepy. He knows way more about you than he should, and he’s constantly trying to make father-figure passes at your son. Uh, naw dude.
Dateability: Low. This dude just tries way too hard. He lacks confidence, and his insistence upon wearing a top hat as a serious fashion choice is extremely embarassing.
Jason Voorhees, Friday the 13th
Pros: That hockey mask and army jacket combo have macho vibes. Jason is the bro of the horror villain world. He’s a strong, silent type who always wants to take you camping.
Cons: He has terrible self esteem issues that he’s never worked through. Also, he doesn’t know how to swim, so I guess that Cabo vacation is out.
Dateability: Low. Jason’s macho, but his stoic demeanor and insecurities are just too much!
Freddy Krueger, Nightmare on Elm Street
Pros: Everyone knows that women are attracted to men in power, but Freddy’s ability to harness supernatural powers beyond the world we know is just plain sexy!
Cons: Red flag number one: he wears a fedora. Red flag number two: he haunts his victim’s dreams in their sleep. Waking up to that cold hard reality is not always sexy.
Dateability: Low. He never talks about his past and he’s terrible at holding hands. Pass!
Michael Myers, Halloween
Pros: Michael Myers is actually super f-ing hot behind his mask (see: Halloween 5). His eyebrows are on fleek and he’s got a jawline for days.
Cons: What’s a hot guy with no personality? He grew up in a psychiatric ward, so he’ll never get any of your Mean Girls quotes, and he’s kind of sheltered.
Dateability: Medium. Men who aren’t afraid to cry are secure in their masculinity. If you get to know him maybe he’ll show you what’s under that mask!
Pros: Every girl wants to date the funny dude. Pennywise has got a great sense of humor, he can cut a rug on the dance floor (he’s also known as “The Dancing Clown”) and he’s great with kids.
Cons: Pennywise needs serious dental work, and his lack of self-care in the teeth department could be a sign of poor hygiene. Also, he’s a demonic entity who preys upon local children.
Dateability: Medium. A lot of comedy guys have a tendency to be fuccbois (see: your college improv team). Make sure you get the respect you need and maybe he’ll end up teaching you some makeup skills!
Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs
Pros: He’s one to take home to meet your parents! He’s a doctor with refined taste! He’s always up for an elegant and adventurous dining experience and who doesn’t love a little adventure!
Cons: This might be an issue of taste. Meaning, you have taste in intelligent men and he has a taste for your flesh.
Dateability: High. Hannibal’s got the cash to fulfill your Sugar Daddy fantasies. Just don’t be surprised if he wants to make you into a sugar mama, literally.
Pale Man, Pan’s Labyrinth
Pros: Pale Man’s got money and he’s definitely a foodie. He loves to luxuriate in lavish meals. And don’t be surprised if he offers to babysit, because he loves kids.
Cons: It’s lonely at the top. Pale Man’s wealth makes him kind of a homebody. If you wanna hang out with him you have to go to his house.
Dateability: Middle. If you can get Pale Man to put on some pants and leave the house he could be a great date. Just be careful that your meals together might make you put on a couple extra love pounds!
Jack Torrance, The Shining
Pros: Jack is one of those sensitive, writer-types. Besides his hot bod and killer style, he loves to take you on cozy vacays to “get away from it all.”
Cons: When he drinks he turns into a total asshole and sometimes he blames his career failures on the relationship. Also, he’s possessed by the spirits of a haunted hotel.
Dateability: High. Make sure to give him some space to exercise his creative energy and set boundaries about working while on vacay. But if he lashes out, GTFO of there! You don’t need that negativity, girl!
Annie Wilkes, Misery
Pros: Annie is a huge fan of you. In fact, she’s got a huge talent crush on you and your work. She loves everything you do and would kill for a chance to get your number.
Cons: Does Annie want you or your career? Sure you’ve got great ideas and a killer resumé, but there’s more to you than your work. Annie’s also super demanding, so if you don’t respond to a text ASAP she assumes something’s up.
Dateability: High. Annie wants nothing more than to be your boo. Just make sure to set some boundaries or you might break your legs “accidentally.”
Gill-Man, The Creature From The Black Lagoon
Pros: Gill-Man is the only horror villain we’ve seen with a defined six-pack. And after falling hard Olympic swimming all summer, we’re pretty sure we’ve got a thing for swimmers.
Cons: His cold exterior (literally and figuratively) makes me think that he’s not as emotionally available as he should be. Also, he’s a half-man, half-amphibious sea monster, so agreeing on a place to eat dinner is going to be tough.
Dateability: Medium. If you can embrace your differences (you learn to breathe underwater), we think you can make it work.
Put on your sexiest costume and get ready to party cause we’re about to get down tonight on VH1! The fright night festivities start at 8pm with a new episode of Love and Hip Hop: Hollywood, followed by Black Ink Chicago at 9pm, and our Halloween special Grown & Sexy at 10pm.
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