I can’t remember where I was body rolling – the gym, a bar, a subway car or a random sidewalk in Harlem – but while turning up to Destiny’s Child, I had an epiphany: everything you need to know about love and relationships can be found in their catalog. Like, every facet of love, relationships, and as country folks would say, “relations.”
So, since I refuse to listen to the majority of the other bammas out here doling out advice by no other virtue than them being famous, I would like to share with you my love syllabus as prepped by all past members of Destiny’s Child—except for Farrah, because her whispers on that one song don’t count. No shade.
When you see a bae and your eyes can’t make a run for it: “Perfect Man”
For those of us who are told we look “unapproachable,” or just people who live by the virtue “closed mouths don’t get fed,” Beyoncé so gorgeously advised in the bridge of this international bonus track from Survivor:
All you ladies listening if you ever have the chance/ To run into your definition of that perfect man/ Don’t be blinded by how fine the man is/ And miss the chance that might be your last/ Make him understand that he’s your perfect man
Heed her warning, beloveds.
How to plead your case without sounding like a begging ass creep that gets blocked on Facebook: “Show Me The Way”
What would it take/ For us to get together/ I wanna know/ Would you stay with me forever/ Give me the chance/ I know I can make you love me/ Just say the word baby/ Let me make you see
Spit your game, talk your sh-t, DC.
Honorable mention: “Apple Pie A La Mode”
Knowing and accepting that you may have a type: “Soldier” feat. T.I. & Lil’ Wayne
This song is basically about loving a thug with a big penis. But the point is, it’s okay to have a preference. That said, there are consequences: like having to post bond and/or put money on someone’s books. “Choose” accordingly.
When they’re playing hard to get like that Hi-Five song: “No, No, No (Part One)”
As Beyoncé so eloquently reminds us, some folks are on that bullsh-t. Say they like you, but choose to act brand new for whatever reason. It’s okay to call them out at times, my lord and gyrator reminds us. And before you ask, I choose this version over the Wyclef Jean remix because this is much better. See Beyoncé’s bridge.
For those who like to make homemade biscuits and give foot rubs: “Cater 2 U”
This isn’t my favorite, but if you’re like Dr. Heavenly from Married 2 Medicine – you know, call your man “Daddy” and always have sausage links fried upon request – this one is for you.
If you want a play date, not a permanent situation: “Independent Women (Part I)”
The goddess declares: “Only ring ya celly when I’m feelin’ lonely. When it’s all over, please get up and leave.” And that’s okay so long as you keep a condoms on you. Keep Left Eye’s legacy alive.
When you’re getting your Olivia Pope on: “With Me (Part One)” featuring JD and “If You Leave” featuring Next
Okay, cheating is wrong and dating someone already attached to another is bad, blah-blah-blah THOT, but listen, it happens sometimes. It’s quite likely that as you get in the cusp of your trifling acts, you will feel very braggadocios i.e. “OH YOU MAD, SIS?” s–t. You may also find yourself falling hard and start contemplating whether you and taken bae can form as one, honestly. You probably can’t, but cute for you pretending like the girls did with Next.
If you can’t completely be the kind of bird that breaks up happy homes: “She Can’t Love You”
This is for the people who send flirtatious DMs on Twitter and Instagram, but take the moral high-ground when the other person asks for nudes.
When it’s time to tell on yourself: “Confessions”
You were mad, what were you supposed to do?
What to do when your man can’t come through, or at least, can’t make you…: “Lose My Breath”
If you’re not doing it and putting your back into it, Kelly Rowland sings:
Two things I don’t like when I tryin’ to get my groove/ Is a partna that meets me only half way and just can’t prove/ Take me out so deep when you know you can’t swim/ Need a lifeguard and I need protection/ To put it on me deep in the right direction
Body roll to this real spit right here.
A nicer way to encourage your partner to step their cookies up: “Stimulate Me”
Amber Alert for the rapper “Mocha,” who kicked off this ditty from the Life soundtrack.
When the boo is irritating: “Bug A Boo”
I bet this type of person still actually uses their AOL email address.
When you suspect bae is cheating: “Say My Name (Timbaland Remix)”
As this plays, you should then send shots via various social media accounts. That is, unless you’re too good and mature. Which is cool too, or whatever.
When you’re trying to figure out if your boo is over you: “Tell Me”
This is a beautifully sang way of asking, “So do I need to get back on Tinder or nah?”
The passive aggressive way to inquire if you’re relationship is fixable: “Stay”
For the record, you’ve got to lower your volume to Mariah Carey whisper to really sell this.
When you’re like, “Hell, you’re fine enough to make beg for it”: “Where’d You Go?”
WRITE ME BACK, FOOL. I SEE THE “READ” RECEIPT ON YOUR PHONE. STOP PLAYING.
P.S. Destiny’s Child, help me sing!
When you realize that this ain’t going to work out: “Get On The Bus”
When you stop being bitter about a breakup: “Free”
This only works after you have worked through your old Mary J. Blige, Keyshia Cole anytime stage.
When you found the real MVP: “Game Over”
This bonus track from the Destiny Fulfilled album, mostly carried by Kelly Rowland’s awesomeness, is your mood when you’ve hit the Powerball of love. Flourish, children.