In the criminal justice system, fork-based offenses are considered especially heinous. On the Internet, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Kitchen Victims Unit. These are their stories.
*DUN DUN*
Welcome to the first and last episode of Law & Order: Kitchen Victims Unit. Here’s what we know:
When Nicki Minaj was still just Onika Tanya Maraj, a girl from Jamaica, Queens, she attended a sleepover. She was just eleven years old when her first fork-based offense occurred.
When I was about 11 I snapped @ a slumber party n startin beatin da shit out this girl who was pickin on me! Lmao. Her name was Dameka
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) March 31, 2012
Nicki confessed to “beatin da shit out this girl who was pickin on me!” It was a clear cut case of self defense. Most people know better than to mess with Nicki. But now, 23 years later (I did that math on a calculator like a real detective) her victim is coming forward with brand new facts.
It turns out, Nicki left out one crucial fact: She didn’t just “beat da shit out this girl,” she allegedly stabbed the girl, Dameka, in the leg with a fork.
Bitch you proud of that shit? You ruined the party for everyone and i still got the scars on my leg from when you stabbed me with a fork. https://t.co/znQqaaCx4c
— Dameka Williams (@DrunkOnCircus) September 27, 2017
Fans were quick to come to Nicki’s defense. For them, the statute of limitations on fork-stabbings has past.
You picked on her first!!
— CHAM (@chamoniIIe) September 27, 2017
1st. That tweet is older than my current Twitter account . 2nd. If you bullied her how you gon be mad she snapped on you?
— ⚜️Goddess⚜️Papí (@KayUnbroken) September 27, 2017
Lol that tweet was from 2012 u really searched it to respond? Talkin about I need to talk to my pastor ♀️ girl
— Ari (@delicieuseee) September 27, 2017
But Dameka insists she did nothing wrong:
I told her she can't sing and that she should stick to rapping and she started throwing punches!
— Dameka Williams (@DrunkOnCircus) September 27, 2017
And that she needs to take some time to pray over all of the media attention she is getting.
Today has been a rough day for me… Al this media attention over something that still haunts me. I'm contacting my pastor and we'll pray
— Dameka Williams (@DrunkOnCircus) September 27, 2017
But then came the fork tweets. That’s right, Dameka has been getting private messages of forks, and honestly it’s too much for this investigative journalist to handle.
Stop private messaging me pictures of forks thank you
— Dameka Williams (@DrunkOnCircus) September 27, 2017
Here are just a few:
You want some more? pic.twitter.com/8Xh4vyPyBg
— Christina (@Moonlight_Nerds) September 27, 2017
— Reezy Maraj (@nickisblondewig) September 27, 2017
— Brayden (@nickiisacutie) September 27, 2017
— Kiki (@Kirajadeeee) September 27, 2017
— K.O. Johnson (@KOJohnson2) September 27, 2017
Can Nicki escape her fork-filled past? Has she rejoined society and committed herself to using only plastic cutlery so that she won’t be tempted to strike again? We’ll have to stay tuned to find out, but until then, if I get stabbed with a fork: Onika did it.
Speaking of Nicki’s feuds, there may or may not be subtle shade thrown out when Remy Ma is asked to guess the next lyric to the song “Anaconda.”