All The Ways Music Videos Gave Us Unrealistic Expectations About Strip Clubs

It's really not as glamorous as it seems. Or is it?...

Champagne is popping, dollar bills are flying (slowly, of course), and your dream dancer makes sex with you via eye contact only. This is the kind of ish that goes down when music videos portray the strip club. But spoiler alert: it’s mostly false.

Sure, it can be an enjoyable – and informative – experience in reality, but leave it to celebs to give the mass population false hopes of what their time in the SC will really be like. Here are things music videos just can’t seem to get right about the experience.

  1. If you grab the strippers, you won’t get thrown the hell out.

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    Because you will. You could say the deception started in ’87, when Mötley Crüe’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” video showed band members getting their feelskis in with the ladies on stage. IRL? Nahsomuch. At least in most cases.

  2. The awkwardness of the dude watching solo.

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    Thanks to the shiny bottles and multi-colored lighting in T-Pain’s “Up Down (Do This All Day),” we don’t witness the awkward and slightly creepy nature of a strip club visitor sitting back and enjoying by themselves. When you’re seeing it head on, and in person, it can get weird real fast.

  3. The girl of your dreams has eyes for you, and only you.

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    First detected by the slow-mo gaze as soon as you sit down. In fact, she loves you so much, she pulls you up on stage and gives you love while disregarding all of her other valued customers. SMH.

  4. Dancers perform synchronized routines in roller skates.

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    Gotta love their commitment to detail, but roller rink strip joints do not exist.

  5. Strippers perform on a foggy green lagoon of mystery.

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    Like whut? Plus they’re hanging for days. That’s just dangerous, RiRi.

  6. You and your friends sit in a circle each holding mountains of cash for a private dance.

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    Maybe for the Juicy Js and Lil Waynes of the world, but for us average strip club goers, nah.

  7. Slow motion confetti fills the air at all times.

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    Nope. And if it does, I’ve been to the wrong places.

  8. You always have 3+ girls to yourself.

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    They got money to make, P.B.Z.— how selfish to think they’d just be focused on your happiness.

  9. Oh, and that you’d be throwing dollar bills with all these celebs.

    Kemosabe Records/Columbia Records

    Probs not. Sry.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.