There are two kinds of vampires: the sexy, seductive kind, like the hot, young, and chiseled ones in the Twilight Saga and on True Blood, and the gross old ones who more closely resemble bats and mole people. Whether they’re bloodsucking nightmares or fantasy pinups depends entirely on whether producers are trying to scare people or give tweens tingling sensations.
The hit FX series The Strain, which returns for Season 2 this Sunday at 10/9c, wants you to have trouble sleeping at night. Adapted from a book trilogy written by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan, it imagines vampirism as a virus that turns humans into monsters that feed on (and turn) the living by shooting disgusting suckers out of their mouths (see above) that drain blood and transfer the infection. No matter how desperately thirsty you are for some tongue action, it’s not attractive.
In honor of ugly and terrifying vampires boxing out the hot ones that gently suck your blood as if giving a hickey, we run down some of the least sexy vampires in TV shows and movies.
Iris in 30 Days of NightColumbia Pictures
The vamps in this movie are not only vicious predators but, with those teeth and beady eyes, also look like rats. Not even on the drunkest of nights.
John Blaylock in The HungerMetro-Goldwyn-Mayer (MGM)
David Bowie played this vamp, who discovers that he has immortality but not the everlasting youth that the vampire who turned him enjoys. When he ages rapidly, it’s not gracefully. More like that creepy geriatric from the Six Flags commercials.
Barnabas Collins in Dark ShadowsWarner Bros.
In this horror-comedy, Johnny Depp plays a vampire who emerges from the ground after being buried alive, er, undead for two centuries. Sorry, but there are no excuses for being hundreds of years behind the fashions.
David in The Lost Boys
Kiefer Sutherland shed his usual charm and good looks when he played this bad-boy vamp in the ’80s. Nothing about his nasty attitude, mullet, or cat-like yellow eyes puts us in the #mood.
Jared Noamk in Blade IINew Line Cinema
With throbbing veins, translucent skin, and a jaw that split in two so he could feed, Nomak (Luke Goss) was supposed to be the evolution of vampires. If that’s the future, we’re already over it.
Katrina in VampEmbedded from www.youtube.com.
Grace Jones’ character was supposed to be a vampire queen but she ended up looking more like a deranged clown. There is such a thing as too much makeup.
Kurt Barlow in Salem’s Lot
Reggie Nalder took it Nosferatu old school when he played Kurt in this made-for-TV movie based on the Stephen King novel. Equipped with vicious front fangs and alarming yellow eyes, this dude gets nothing but left swipes.
Anyanka on Buffy the Vampire SlayerFox
From Anya to Anyanka (Emma Caulfield), this newbie vampire was one of the scariest and hardest on the eyes. A stake would do her some good. Short of that, a paper bag would do us a lot of good.
All the vamps in Stake Land
You’ve probably taken some gnarly creatures home with you, but hopefully you draw the line well short of dirty feral animals like this. Have some self-esteem, people.
The Count in Sesame Street
If his being purple weren’t bad enough, he’s that annoying silent type who only speaks when a puppeteer is elbow-deep in his backside. Plus, those eyebrows. Try less sucking, more plucking, Count.