—Additional writing by Chris Rosa
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be penetrated by a RL superhero? Has wondering if superheroes are as good in the sheets as they are fighting crime kept you up at night? Us too. With this week’s release of Marvel’s Ant-Man making the question even more pressing, we’re here to clear up the mystery of exactly what your favorite characters are hiding under their armor. Are they packing heat or nah? Are they selfish in bed? Do they know just how to use what they’ve got? After much investigation and consideration, we’ve created this easy-to-follow scale, based on actual inch size, but obviously taking other vital factors into consideration as well. Someone had to do it, so you’re welcome.
Ant-Man: .5Marvel Studios
Let’s just face facts: Ant-Man is small when minimized and super-powered, and by default, so is his equipment. But what Ant-Man lacks in—erm—manhood, he makes up for in personality. He’ll be a great date to the Red Lobster and maybe even a movie afterwards if you’re feeling ~*FrIsKy, but we recommend keeping your pants on. Otherwise, you’re in for a whole bunch of dissatisfaction.
Superman: 3DC Entertainment
Alright, homeboy is just too smooth. The muscles, slicked-back hair, savior complex—those GD glasses that make him look pretentious as hell when he’s in disguise. What are you trying to hide from us, Clark? We have a hunch it’s your lack of sexy-time prowess. When a guy is this oily, he’s 392 percent compensating for something. And everyone knows he’s “faster than a speeding bullet.” He’ll be done before you even started.
Green Lantern: 4Warner Bros.
Green Lantern is a lot like Applebee’s. When friends suggest it, you’re neither staunchly in favor or opposed. You’re just meh about it. (Endless apps for days, am I right?) If Green Lantern comes knocking at 2 a.m., you’ll open the door, sure, but you’re not foreseeing headboard-slamming bliss. And you’re absolutely not expecting him to pack heat, either. Maybe you’ll get off, maybe you won’t—just like from the mozzarella sticks at the ’Bees. If he’s wearing his Power Ring though, it’s more like the 2-for-1 combo, AKA your lucky day.
Iron Man: 4.5Marvel Studios
Tony Stark is always wearing that huge Iron Man suit over his body; WTF is his deal? Our guess is he’s insecure about the D. Out of sight, out of mind, right? However, he is big and sturdy, so he’ll be able to protect you from killers while laying it down. But just like your little friend in the bedside table, you’re always living in fear that his batteries will run down.
The Hulk: 5Marvel Studios
This guy gets major points for his body—those muscles!!!—but his game is akin to a horny junior frat star. Expect him to deliver the goods jackhammer-style and focus on his own pleasure as opposed to yours. Don’t even think about ordering takeout afterwards—he’ll eat all your food. But if you’re looking to partake in some seriously intense hate sex (probs ’cause he ate your takeout), this perpetually pissed-off mofo is your guy.
Captain America: 6Marvel
CA is THAT bro. The one who’s all perfect—almost too perfect—and promising on the outside, then you see what’s happening downstairs and it just doesn’t measure up. A devastating blow. The good thing is, he knows his way around the battlefield that is your body. However, you know that the effects of the super-soldier serum couldn’t all be good (they are steroids, after all). In case you’re confused, we’re talking shrinkage.
Spidey’s suit is hella fitted, and we’re not seeing much bulge down there. But we’re going to give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s sensitive, kisses upside down in the rain, and will have you swinging from chandeliers and shit in no time. What he lacks in package, he makes up for in enthusiasm, acrobatic ability, and pure passion. Plus, his Spider-sense allows him to navigate in the dark, so this hero may have 99 problems but finding your G-spot ain’t one.
Batman: 9Warner Bros.
You know someone that dark, that mysterious, that savvy behind the wheel, that jacked, is nothing short of a beast in the sheets. (And because Bruce Wayne is rich you know those are some nice sheets.) When the Dark Knight rises, you’re gonna want to be there to watch it happen.
This lawyer-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night has a way with words. And you like that. He’s slick and low-key as hell, which means he isn’t overcompensating for lack of peen. Did we mention he’s blind? His other senses are heightened and he knows how to use his hands, so he could probably talk and touch you to euphoria, but you know you’d still be begging for him to tap-tap-tap you with his cane.
The god of thunder (down under) brings the boom straight to your bedroom. If the way he handles his massive hammer, Mjölnir (yes, it has a name, which makes you wonder what else does…), is any indication of how he’ll handle you, you’re in phenomenal shape. You may need a wheelchair, some ice packs, and new bed afterwards, but let me tell you, every minute was worth it.