The Awards That Should’ve Been Given Out at the 2015 ESPYS

Let the real show begin.

Sports fans got a special treat Wednesday night when the 2015 ESPYS aired on ABC. It was heartwarming to see athletes who work their asses off get the Oscars-style praise they deserve. There were so many feels on the night, especially when Devon Still gave an emotional speech for his daughter, who’s been battling pediatric cancer, and when Caitlyn Jenner made her first post-transition TV appearance and spoke up for transgender youth while accepting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

Hosted by Joel McHale, the three-hour show featured ho-hum awards like Best Team, Best Play, and Best Fighter. Those are all cool, but there are some incredibly important awards that should have been given out that weren’t. That’s where we come in, because you absolutely need to know who should have won awards for Most Life-Giving Shade and Best Dikembe Mutombo-Like Rejection of a Joke. Check out the 10 awards that should have happened last night, and feel free to comment below and petition us to create next year’s prizes.

  1. Most Cringe-Worthy Human: Joel McHale

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    Oof. The Community star and E! personality’s opening monologue was more shudder-worthy than funny, and nobody in the audience was here for his bull—t. (We’ll get to that later.) Two jokes in particular were 100 percent awkward sauce: He said Triple Crown jockey Victor Espinoza would make history as the “first person Donald Trump deports to Mexico.” Then, he quipped that fighter Ronda Rousey “has knocked out more women than Bill Cosby.” WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL, JOEL?! Too soon, man. Too soon.

  2. Best Use of a Leg Since David Cronenberg’s Crash: Lindsey Vonn

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    No, that’s not the one where people of varied races and ethnicities interact in L.A. and realize that they’re more alike than different; it’s the one where people get turned on by car crashes and a guy has sex with a leg wound (seriously). Kudos to skier Lindsey for bringing leg back in this dress. Praise, bless, and crying IRL.

  3. Least Dookie-Covered Dad: Stephen Curry

    The Golden State Warriors’ championship-winning point guard just welcomed his second daughter, Ryan, five days ago, but he admitted during a pre-show interview that he’s not helped out much, changing maybe one diaper since the occasion. Apparently there are some holes he won’t take it to.

  4. Best Dikembe Mutombo-Like Rejection of a Joke: Peyton Manning

    Remember when we said Joel tanked as a host? Well, Peyton’s face during the comedian’s opening monologue summed up the entire audience’s attitude. Look at that flaw-free resting bitch face (RBF). It’s Super Bowl-worthy, even if Peyton’s play no longer is.

  5. Most Made You Feel Old and Unaccomplished: Mo’Ne Davis

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    The 14-year-old (!!!) American Little League star took home the prize for Best Breakthrough Athlete. What the hell were you doing at 14? Nothing nearly as legendary as our new fave sports empress.

  6. Most Life-Giving Shade: Ronda Rousey

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    The UFC bantamweight champion won Best Fighter at the ESPYS, beating out Internet favorite Floyd Mayweather, Jr. Floyd previously said he had “no idea” who Ronda is, but it looks like she gets the last laugh. While doing an interview, Ronda said, “I can’t help but really say that I wonder how Floyd [Mayweather] feels being beat by a woman for once. I’d like to see you pretend to not know who I am now.” KNOCKOUT PUNCH! Step aside, RuPaul’s Drag Race queens, we have a new shade master in town.

  7. Best Dick Joke Insertion: Ken Jeong

    The Hangover star served as New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez’s spokesman during an onstage bit. At first, we thought Ken would relay an apology from A-Rod about the athlete’s admitted steroid use. However, he ended up making a random joke about having small junk. Speaking “as Alex,” Ken said, “To anyone who has watched The Hangover, I’m sorry you had to see Ken Jeong’s penis.” And, just like that, everyone became 12-year-olds, which is actually mental maturation for many athletes.

  8. BFFs in Awkwardness: Britney Spears and J.J. Watt

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    BritBrit and the standout Houston Texans defensive end took the stage to present the award for Best Female Athlete, and their weird scripted exchange—which climaxed with Britney saying, “Oh baby,” awkwardly/iconically—makes us confident these two need to become BeStIeS~*. The “Work Bitch” singer recently got out of a relationship, and she needs a fun guy friend to kick back with. Imagine all the awk AF lunches that could happen! So beautiful.

  9. Most Frat-tastic Dude: Rob Gronkowski

    If you know anything about this New England Patriots tight end, it’s that he’s the epitome of bro, and 100 percent owns it. (Who can get mad at him when he’s so gosh darn hot?!) His screen time during the ESPYS took this persona to new, beer-guzzling heights. Look at the way he body-slammed his teammates before accepting the award for Best Comeback Athlete. So frat, bro. And the fact he’s literally throwing a GRONK party in 2016 is too much college to handle. GO TO CLASS.

  10. Slay Queen of the Night: Caitlyn Jenner

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    Of course this prize goes to Caitlyn. The former Olympian made her live TV debut last night; she looked amazing and delivered a speech that will move you to tears. “Trans people deserve something vital: They deserve your respect,” Caitlyn said. “And from that respect comes a more passionate community…and a better world for all of us. We have come a long way. But we have a lot of work to do.” And with this quote, she won the evening. For Caitlyn to bring a room of athletes—a group not exactly praised for tolerance—to their feet is a monumental moment for the trans community. That’s a fact. And also, again, she looked flawless AF in that dress.