The year is 2007. It’s the third Friday in April, and you know what that means: the annual spring dance (A.K.A: Turn-Up Fest 2K7). You’ve spent hours picking out the best Abercrombie & Fitch polo—lime green and blue stripes with an extra-large moose, collar popped—and thoroughly doused yourself in Axe Phoenix. It’s time to go f—king hard, and you’re feeling fresh as hell.
Your mom drops you off in front of the gym, and you walk in like a GD champ. The room is full of immense promise and perspiration. You take a quick shot of Mountain Lightning and scarf down a brownie bite. (Is that a stain? Eh, who cares? You’re about to sweat your ass off anyway.)
You scope out the dance floor and find prime grinding space: far away from the chaperones but close to the soda when the time comes to hydrate. You’re bubbling with anticipation, because you know the DJ/language arts teacher has these 10 hip-hop mavericks on the evening’s playlist. And when they come on, all bets are off.
Dem Franchize Boyz
Fingers crossed they spin “White Tee” or “I Think They Like Me!” “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” has been a tad overplayed lately.
OMG, if they play “Right Thurr,” the chaperones will go bonkers. Katie and Aric will basically start fornicating on the dance floor and risk getting this whole shindig shut down. Cool the eff off, guys.
If you correctly rap the words to “Ridin’,” Jeff and Ben will definitely let you hang out with them. Don’t screw it up, bb.
“Miss New Booty” is when things get aggressive. Chelsea and her legion of followers will scurry to the dance floor and feverishly gyrate on every available pair of cargo pants. Now is prime time to hydrate.
Thank God “Overnight Celebrity” is on! It’s just the song to ease your way onto the floor after the “Miss New Booty” massacre.
“Laffy Taffy” is a tricky beast. You need to attract Ashley by looking as bro as possible. Round up your friends and start waving your hands suggestively to highlight how smooth a dude you can be. Make sure your collar is symmetrically popped.
You have Ashley’s attention! SCORE. Now that “What’s Love?” (feat. Ashanti) is on, ask her to dance. It’s the perfect tune to get in some light grinding and slow-dance action. Definitely bring up what type of Axe you’re wearing. She’ll love that. " text="How Did 50 Cent, Fat Joe + Others Lose Their Money?"]
What is this song even called? “Back Then?” Why are they playing Mike Jones? Who the fudge listens to him? A+ opportunity for a pizza-and-Dr. Thunder break with Ash.
Ying Yang Twins
This sugar buzz is clouding your judgement, so you start getting seventh grade nasty with Ashley. Damn you, “Salt Shaker!” Two minutes in, you realize the popular kid dirty dancing life isn’t for you. You’re tired, hungry, and afraid. You think you’re home free as the track ends, but then…no. NO! Not “Get Low!” HORMONE.OVERLOAD.
“This Is Why I’m Hot” closes the evening. At this point, you’re red in the face and sporting very provocative sweat stains. But you’ve made it! Enjoy this bop while it lasts, though. Mom will be in front of the gym at 7:30 p.m. sharp, and it’s family game night.