Michelle Williams Is The Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Of Destiny’s Child—And We Can Prove It

A critical essay.

If you own a computer, you’re probably aware of the website PoorMichelle.com. In a nutshell, some shady SOBs decided to illustrate how Michelle Williams got the short end of the Destiny’s Child stick during the band’s entire run. When Beyoncé and Kelly Rowland got to wear pants, Michelle had to wear shorts. When they could show skin, Michelle had to cover the eff up. And, in this touching meme, when K & B were delicious smoothies, poor M was a salad banished to the background.

Tragic. Michelle’s status as the third-tier DC member got us thinking about other metaphors to describe the singer. Poor Michelle asserted she is the dry lettuce among juicy fruit, but what other food metaphors exist? The possibilities are endless. And then it hit us: Michelle Williams is the oatmeal raisin cookie of Destiny’s Child.

Hear us out, y’all. Oatmeal raisin cookies are delicious treats in their own rights. However, when matched up against a chocolate chip or peanut butter cookie, how many of you would opt for oatmeal raisin? Not many. In fact, we’re 86 percent certain that if we polled the world and asked them to choose between the three aforementioned cookies, oatmeal would come dead last. Unfortunately, the same goes for Michelle in Destiny’s Child.

Now, oatmeal raisin cookies aren’t all bad. They’re dependable and (typically) never-changing. You always know what you’re going to get with an oatmeal raisin cookie. And Michelle is the same way: sturdy, reliable, and unwavering. She may not be the most exciting of the three, but there’s something about her sameness that’s surprisingly comforting.

And it’s not just Michelle Williams. Plenty of beloved bands have their respective oatmeal raisin cookies. They’re perfectly fine when no other members are available, but—sadly—still the last choice. Old Faithful, tbh.

  • *NSYNC: Chris Kirkpatrick

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    Let’s just be real, shall we? Chris was the *NSYNCer nobody really cared about. However, you’d still freak out if you met him—just, ya know, not as much as Justin Timberlake.

  • Backstreet Boys: Howie Dorough

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    The same goes for Howie. In fact, we’re willing to venture you wouldn’t be able to pick him out in a crowded McDonald’s restaurant. (Can you say the same about Nick Carter?)

  • One Direction: Louis Tomlinson

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    He’s definitely the least important of the 1D bandmates (and that’s including Zayn Malik, who left the group). Serving pure oatmeal raisin realness.

  • Spice Girls: Sporty Spice (Mel B—or wait—Mel C? Meh.)

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    C’mon, you weren’t the least bit annoyed by her? Baby was cute. Ginger was sexy. Scary could saaaaaang. Posh was fierce. Sporty could do, like, cartwheels.

Make no mistake, though, we love these artists—especially Michelle. Sometimes, we’re in the mood to switch it up and jam out to Journey to Freedom. Similarly, there are times when an oatmeal raisin cookie just hits the spot. But nine times out of 10, we have our eyes on Queen Bey + something with chocolate chunks. And sprinkles. Shady? Maybe. But y’all know we speak the damn truth.