Ladies and gents, the Republican Presidential race is heating up. Set your DVRs, because the first debate, a 10-candidate battle royale, is happening on Fox News at 8/9c this Thursday, August 6th. If that doesn’t get you hot and bothered, then you’re not paying attention. What other group of men can take your rights and your breath away in one fell swoop?
Sadly, all good things must come to an end. This sweaty combed-over Caucasian rhetorical gangbang won’t be repeated again. As we get deeper into the intense heat of primary season, just like in a season of The Bachelorette, the pack will begin to thin out. This means there’s going to be less octogenarian eye candy for us to ogle. So, before any of these delightfully delusional candidates are forced to admit that they’ll never sniff the Presidency, let’s talk about a contest that really matters. Let’s figure out which Republican presidential candidate would be the best boyfriend.
You probably already know a lot about the Donald’s assets. The man is rich as hell, and he’s not just famous, he’s reality show and casino-named-after-him famous. That definitely doesn’t hurt when you’re thinking about bringing him home to Mom. When he inevitably puts his foot in his mouth at the dinner table, you can remind your parents that if you can hang in there long enough, you might become wife number four.
Even if Trump doesn’t decide to dump his supermodel wife for you, you guys could still have a good time. The Donald knows a thing or two about having something on the side, and if you’re lucky, he might bring some Apprentice role-play into the bedroom. You’re sure to be “fired!” up with intense, throbbing passion after a night with the four-billion-dollar man (though he’d tell you it’s more like nine—typical man).
If you’re a teacher, if you care about teachers, or if you have any shred of compassion when it comes to the lives of teachers, it’s going to be tough for you to date Scottie. But if your idea of a perfect date is dismantling collective bargaining rights for unions, then you and Mr. Walker are going to get along just fine. Scott is no stranger to conflict—the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinal called him “the most divisive Wisconsin politician in living memory—as he only narrowly avoided a recall in his own state thanks to outside money, so you guys should be able to get through anything. That is, again, unless you consider teachers to be human beings. Sorry but Scottie is a man of principle and the union thing is a deal-breaker.
Libertarians believe in individual freedom, and while that doesn’t necessarily apply to women’s right to make decisions about their bodies, you have to appreciate a free spirit. Paul is also named after an author, and even if that author is kind of terrible, that will still earn you points at your next book club meeting. And just because he’s a bit of an isolationist, don’t think he’s going to be emotionally unavailable. He’ll talk and talk and talk for hours about everything from eliminating capital gains taxes to eliminating taxes on inheritance. Okay, so really he’ll just talk about cutting taxes, but he’ll talk as long as you want!!
Just because New York Mag’s Marin Cogan has called Chris Christie’s campaign “impossible” doesn’t mean your love has no chance!
Once a political golden boy, Christie has fallen to the back of the GOP pack. Why? No reason really. I mean, maybe New Jersey’s economy has continued to fail. Perhaps his people engineered a traffic jam to spite Christie’s political rivals. And Christie may have shouted down a heckler on the New Jersey boardwalk last year. But, when you’re riding shotgun with the notoriously emotional Gov, listening to some vintage Springsteen while Chris tells it like it is, nothing will seem impossible.
And if you guys hit any traffic, don’t worry, he’ll take care of it.
Tea Party favorite Ben Carson has a flair for the dramatic. What he lacks in experience, he makes up for in intensity. You know that a man who says Obamacare is “the worst thing that happened in this nation since slavery” and claims that the U.S. in 2015 is “very much like Nazi Germany” will say and do whatever necessary to keep you happy, regardless of how what he says and does relates to reality.
Dating someone with less experience than you can be a blessing, and the same might be true of political experience. Isn’t it kind of charming, and even hot, to think about having a president who doesn’t understand the basics of Middle Eastern foreign policy? We’re getting sweaty just thinking about it. Even if that sweat comes from anxiety at a man like that controlling our nuclear arsenal, heat is heat, gurl!
If you’re like most of America outside of Ohio, you probably don’t know much about John Kasich. Sometimes chance meetings make for the best relationships. How many times have you gone out with friends of friends or been set up, only to find your next big fling across the coffee shop or laundromat? John Kasich could be your presidential meet-cute, and what a story it would be to tell your friends!
Kasich isn’t a radical, a maverick, or a bad boy. In fact, he’s best known for his financial acumen. David Brooks called him “seasoned and managerial.” Not exactly a turn-on, but sometimes you don’t want all that drama. Sometimes you just want a guy who will balance your checkbook and keep you warm at night with money saved from a decades-long campaign of cutting social programs.
This guy has a way with words! Fox News host and God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy author Mike Huckabee made news this week by comparing Obama’s Israel policy to the Holocaust. But there’s way more to Mikey than clumsy Hitler metaphors!
Huckabee’s appeal to Southern evangelicals is bolstered by his tendency toward folksy statements that make no sense. Of gay marriage, he said, “It’s like asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.” Of Beyoncé and Jay-Z, he said, “Does it occur to him that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?” Aww shucks! Love that Southern charm!!!
You can expect more charming witticisms like this from Mike every time you go out for dinner or drinks. Just don’t expect him to learn the “Single Ladies” dance or join the chorus of “Run the World (Girls)” on karaoke night.
You know that bad boy who keeps doing you wrong, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t walk away? America has a whole family of them that they just can’t quit no matter how hard they try, and their last name is Bush.
Jeb has spent the early portion of his campaign distancing himself from his brother, so he can relate to twenty-something millenials trying on new identities. His campaign logo simply says “Jeb!,” so dating him would carry the same cachet of an enigmatic musician or digital artist who just goes by their first name. Bottom line: You can take your new boy toy to the coffee shop or the boardroom and feel comfortable!
More important, Jeb knows how to make space for you. His efforts to occupy the tiny area to the left of the field but still moderate enough to win the primary shows that he is willing to stretch himself to make your relationship work.
If the only man who could ever reach you was the son of a preacher man, then Ted Cruz might just be your GOP dreamboat. Instead of the fire and brimstone of his father, Ted Cruz spits fire with his strict constructionist interpretation of the Constitution. Don’t worry, he may be a strict constructionist in the streets, but his role in handing the election to George W. Bush in Bush v. Gore proved that he’s a judicial activist between the sheets.
Be warned: Cruz is a man who likes to get his way. He’s prepared to shut down the government and misinterpret Green Eggs and Ham if it that’s what it takes. Go ahead and shack up with Ted Cruz if you want a passionate man in your life. Just understand that you’ll always come second. As far as Senator Cruz is concerned, the Constitution is bae!
Rubio made news the other day when he complained that everyone who is outraged about Cecil the Lion isn’t trying to outlaw abortion. Marco knows just what gets us going. Nothing gets us hot and bothered like a false equivalence! But there are plenty of other reasons you should want Rubio to nail your pelt to the wall. At 42, he is basically the baby of the pack, but no need to feel like you’re robbing the cradle: Unlike that lifeguard you met on the boardwalk last summer, the man has experience. He won a seat in the House way back in 2000, when his peers were still “trying to make their band work.”
Experience has taught Rubio an important lesson: Never be afraid to compromise. In preparation for his campaign, he has abandoned the one issue that matters to him most: immigration reform. They say men don’t change, but if Marco will bend to the whims of the electorate, you can probably get him to stop wearing cargo pants. 😉