Celebrity

STFU, Coyote Ugly Is a Flaw-Free Cinematic Journey

Tyra Banks goes to law school; John Goodman doesn't wear socks. What more could you want from this 15-year-old CLASSIC?
by 8/4/2015

  • On this fateful day 15 years ago, God sent down an avant-garde indie film called Coyote Ugly.

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    Praise Him.

  • It stars Piper Perabo, best known for her groundbreaking turn as Nora in Cheaper by the Dozen (2003).

    (Oh, and that show on USA, we guess.)

  • Did we mention Tyra Banks is in it? Because that’s crucial.

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    And not 2015 “When I was a model” Tyra Banks. We’re talking 2000 Life-Size Tyra Banks. Peak Tyra Banks.

  • Annnnd Tyra goes to law school in Coyote Ugly. Did she pass the bar or nah?

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    (Literal genius.)

  • Wait, we almost forgot the best part: John Goodman plays Piper’s dad.

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    He eats KFC and doesn’t wear socks when Piper clearly tells him to not eat KFC and wear socks. A rebel heart, if there ever was one.

  • OK, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s walk you through Coyote Ugly to thoroughly illustrate why it is aggressively flaw-free.

    (We’ve done several sweeps and still detect zero flaws.)

  • It all starts when Violet Sanford (Piper) heads to NYC—the BiG cItY~*—in pursuit of songwriting stardom.

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    She’s so deep and artistic. Look at her playing guitar on a rooftop like no one else has or will.

  • After Violet gets robbed and duped into thinking some random scrub named Kevin (Adam Garcia) is a powerful bar owner, she is sad. And broke.

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    See how sad and broke she is?

  • Violet also has terrible stage fright, which is a maaaajah problem because she has to sing at open mic nights to get her songs heard.

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    DON’T LOOK AT ME.

  • But, alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel. After finding out three rich goddesses—including TyTy—at this diner are Coyote Ugly bartenders (and not hookers), Violet gets a job at the bar.

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  • She f—ks up left and right in the beginning. (She assaults the fire marshal with a hose; it’s casual.) However, Violet eventually gains her footing.

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    And by footing, we mean she starts singing/gyrating on the bar to the delight of greasy trolls. Stage fright, be gone! What character development! A real transformation.

  • At this point, Violet is also full-on boning that dude Kevin, who turns out to be a low-key Australian bae.

    Fertilized.

  • But when V’s dad Bill (John) and Kevin catch wind of her wet T-shirt antics, they aren’t pleased. Then, she gets fired.

    Now, she’s sad again. See the sadness?

  • But don’t worry! Violet gets her grooooove back by belting her song “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” (LOL) at a showcase.

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    Plus, Kevin and she find lurveee again. Such a powerful from-rags-to-riches story.

  • The best part? QUEEN LEANN RIMES takes “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” for the keeping and performs it at Coyote Ugly with Violet.

    So meta. Symbolic. Sentimental.

  • The lesson? Coyote Ugly is a pioneering film expedition we all must take.

    You’ll be a more complete, blessed human after the experience.

  • The trailblazing fashion.

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  • The poetic dancing.

  • It’s iconic.

  • *Tears.*

    Bottoms up!

@chrisrosa92