STFU, 'Coyote Ugly' Is a Flaw-Free Cinematic Journey

On this fateful day 15 years ago, God sent down an avant-garde indie film called Coyote Ugly.

Praise Him.

It stars Piper Perabo, best known for her groundbreaking turn as Nora in Cheaper by the Dozen (2003).

(Oh, and that show on USA, we guess.)

Did we mention Tyra Banks is in it? Because that's crucial.

And not 2015 "When I was a model" Tyra Banks. We're talking 2000 Life-Size Tyra Banks. Peak Tyra Banks.

Annnnd Tyra goes to law school in Coyote Ugly. Did she pass the bar or nah?

(Literal genius.)

Wait, we almost forgot the best part: John Goodman plays Piper's dad.

He eats KFC and doesn't wear socks when Piper clearly tells him to not eat KFC and wear socks. A rebel heart, if there ever was one.

OK, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's walk you through Coyote Ugly to thoroughly illustrate why it is aggressively flaw-free.

(We've done several sweeps and still detect zero flaws.)

It all starts when Violet Sanford (Piper) heads to NYC—the BiG cItY~*—in pursuit of songwriting stardom.

She's so deep and artistic. Look at her playing guitar on a rooftop like no one else has or will.

After Violet gets robbed and duped into thinking some random scrub named Kevin (Adam Garcia) is a powerful bar owner, she is sad. And broke.

See how sad and broke she is?

Violet also has terrible stage fright, which is a maaaajah problem because she has to sing at open mic nights to get her songs heard.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

But, alas, there is light at the end of the tunnel. After finding out three rich goddesses—including TyTy—at this diner are Coyote Ugly bartenders (and not hookers), Violet gets a job at the bar.

Cheers, kweens.

She f—ks up left and right in the beginning. (She assaults the fire marshal with a hose; it's casual.) However, Violet eventually gains her footing.

And by footing, we mean she starts singing/gyrating on the bar to the delight of greasy trolls. Stage fright, be gone! What character development! A real transformation.

At this point, Violet is also full-on boning that dude Kevin, who turns out to be a low-key Australian bae.

Fertilized.

But when V's dad Bill (John) and Kevin catch wind of her wet T-shirt antics, they aren't pleased. Then, she gets fired.

Now, she's sad again. See the sadness?

But don't worry! Violet gets her grooooove back by belting her song "Can't Fight the Moonlight" (LOL) at a showcase.

Plus, Kevin and she find lurveee again. Such a powerful from-rags-to-riches story.

The best part? QUEEN LEANN RIMES takes "Can't Fight the Moonlight" for the keeping and performs it at Coyote Ugly with Violet.

So meta. Symbolic. Sentimental.

The lesson? Coyote Ugly is a pioneering film expedition we all must take.

You'll be a more complete, blessed human after the experience.

The trailblazing fashion.

The poetic dancing.

It's iconic.

*Tears.*

Bottoms up!