Fact: your dreams of achieving MILF and GILF status via a “healthy lifestyle” and the gluten-free diet is BS. New Jersey resident and keg stand queen Agnes Fenton turned 110 on Saturday and thanks the three beers and shot of scotch she enjoyed everyday for 70 years for her long life. What kind of beer and scotch, you ask? Miller High Life and Johnnie Walker Blue Label because that’s what bosses drank.
Agnes joins the estimated 360-600 supercentenarians in the world and she’s so NBD about it: “The birthday is just another day.” But like, holy shit, how is she so cool?
All this time, the only health threat she faced was a benign tumor, then she drank and it was all good. Unfortunately, she no longer cracks bottles because after 110 years, she’s staked her claim as coolest, most DGAF person on the planet. And although her caregivers frown upon her drinking these days, when asked if they would let her sneak a little at her birthday party over the weekend, she said: “They better.”
Long live the frat star pioneer.
— The Times Times (@Timesolizer) August 4, 2015