Celebrity Divorces That Would Absolutely Ruin Us

There's nothing else to live for.

Keeping a marriage alive and well in Hollywood is as likely as the Kardashians opting out of Botox, which is why strong celebrity marriages should be cherished by all. Recently, we had a scare when, after Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner called it quits, rumors surfaced that slay couple Will and Jada Pinkett Smith were divorcing. It nearly made us change our names and flee to a stranded island where we wouldn’t have to deal with the harsh realities of life. We’re rooting for all these inspiring couples to last, and if they let us down, well, wtf is there left to fight for? Nothing, guys. Nothing.

  • 1 Will and Jada Pinkett Smith
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    Will and Jada have been going at it for 18 years, and if they can deal with the fact that Jaden Smith is their spawn on a daily basis, marriage should be a GD walk in the park. They have no excuse now.

  • 2 Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
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    If I heard word that the planet’s most adorable couple—who have been married for 27 years, btw—had ended things, I would jump into oncoming traffic without even needing solid confirmation.

  • 3 Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
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    Was it worth it, guys? WAS IT WORTH IT? Their romance took more of a mental toll on us than it did on Jen, so this shit better pay off. I can’t deal with that again.

  • 4 Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne
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    Because who else would be mentally capable of dealing with either of their crazy asses? After 33 years, no one.

  • 5 Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively
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    OK, these two haven’t been married that long (three years and counting), but they’re just the chillest and hottest. Don’t ever leave us, guys.

  • 6 Channing and Jenna Dewan-Tatum
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    Young actors who spark relationships on movie sets don’t seem to ever last, but these two still have so much GD fun together after being married six years. I can practically see myself getting eaten alive by my own pets 20-plus years from now when looking at them.

  • 7 David and Victoria Beckham
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    This chilled-out soccer bro not only scored goals but also gave us #relationshipgoals. If he can kick it for 16 years with terrifyingly expressionless Posh Spice, there has to be hope for all of us. If they were to break up, not only would I delete my Tinder, I’d just give up on life in general.

  • 8 Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar
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    I’m sorry, but Sarah snatched our teen dream from us forever 13 years ago, so BBHO. (Bitch better hold on to her man.)

  • 9 Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor
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    After 15 years, how can your comedic chemistry and sexual tension still be flaming hot, even when you’re playing enemies in a movie? Think we just answered our own question right there.

  • 10 John Travolta and Kelly Preston
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    Kelly has held shit down—and by shit, I mean John and his creepy ways—for 24 years. If she weren’t around to do the job anymore, I don’t think you could get anyone to do it, and we’d all be in danger.

  • 11 Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas
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    Because if MD can’t hold down this dime that he nabbed 15 years ago, everyone out there who scored out of their league is completely fucked.

  • 12 Speidi
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    Do I need to provide justification? I won’t, other than to say that this is the reality TV couple that will and should stand the test of time.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber