What kind of a world would we live in if we couldn’t make everything a comparative study of Disney Princesses? A terrible, joyless world that this writer wants no part of, of course! And given that we exist in said Disney Princess analogizing world, what better way to celebrate the release of Taylor Swift’s new album 1989 than by telling you which song would be which Disney Princess if each song were to be a Disney Princess?
Tay Tay is something of a Disney Princess herself: doe eyed but ballsy, looking for love but rebelling against convention simultaneously. So it makes sense that each of her songs should be the theme for a Disney Princess, an anthem that plays when they slow motion enter a party flanked by their besties— whether those besties happen to be a candelabra and a clock or a fish and a crab. Read on to find out which songs from 1989 are your Disney Princess favorites, from Merida to Aurora, Snow White to Mulan, Cinderella to Jasmine!
1. “Welcome To New York”
….Is Ariel from The Little Mermaid! Like “Welcome To New York,” Ariel dreams of a life in a more exotic place — “part of their world,” to be precise — while Taylor’s track says of New York, “Everyone here was someone else before.” Indeed. They were probably mermaids.
2. “Blank Space”
…Is Pocahontas from Pocahontas! “Blank Space” asks “If the love was worth the pain,” which is really something Pocahontas should be asking herself. “Blank Space” also includes the lines, “We’re young and we’re reckless, we’ll take this way too far” as well as “Stolen kisses, pretty lies”, which sounds like accurate descriptors for Pocahontas’ relationship with John Smith. She knew he was trouble when he walked in.
…Is Cinderella, mainly because the hook is “We never go out of style.” You know what else never goes out of style? Glass slippers, apparently! “Style” also includes the lyrics “And when we go crashing down, we come back every time,” which sounds like a midnight pumpkin turn before finding the shoe that fits.
4. “Out Of The Woods”
….Is Belle from Beauty and the Beast, because duh— to find love, Belle literally had to get out of the woods. And escape a pack of ravenous wolves. To be fair, Taylor doesn’t have to do in her song, but it’s close enough.
5. “All You Had To Do Was Stay”
….Is Anna from Frozen! So Anna isn’t “officially” a Disney Princess, but she’s a princess in a Disney movie, so we say that counts. “All You Had To Do Was Stay” is Anna to a T, because that’s probably what she would have liked to scream at her sister Elsa the entire time. It would have saved everyone a hell of a lot of trouble if she’d just stuck around.
6. “Shake It Off”
…Is Jasmine from Aladdin! Like Taylor’s song, all Jasmine wanted to do was shake it off. Sick of the expectations placed on her by virtue of her royal title, she just wanted to stick it to the haters by doing things her own way.
7. “I Wish You Would”
…Is Rapunzel! In “I Wish You Would” Taylor is sitting alone in her room at 2AM missing her man. We can’t really imagine that Rapunzel was doing much else up there in her tower prison, even though Disney tried to sugar coat it with a fleshed out story line.
8. “Bad Blood”
….Is Mulan! Mulan goes off to war, posing as a man, to protect her ailing father. While there’s no “bad blood” as in “beef” (the way the Taylor Swift song means it), her blood (ties) got her in a bad situation.
9. “Wildest Dreams”
…Is Aurora from Sleeping Beauty! We’re guessing that Aurora’s evil magic-induced sleep would have yielded some pretty crazy dreams (think cheese dreams or MSG dreams).
10. “How You Get The Girl”
…Is Tiana from The Princess and The Frog! Taylor Swift, unlike Tiana, has to kiss many toads in order to find her Prince (that’s right, we just called all of Tay’s exes toads, DEAL WITH IT). In “How You Get The Girl” Taylor urges the “man” to go to the woman he loves’ house to proposition her, at which point she will inevitably ask him “Are you insane?” Because he is a toad. And a relationship with a toad would be insane.
11. “This Love”
…Is Snow White, who is saved from her deathly slumber by a kiss from her Prince Charming. In “This Love” Taylor sings “This love is a life back from the dead.” Um, hello. Snow White much?
12. “I Know Places”
…Is Merida from Brave! Merida would probably shoot an arrow right through 1989 because Merida doesn’t care about love. But she does know some places, mostly in the woods. She knows how to escape her foes, and as the “I Know Places” lyric goes “They are the hunter, we are the foxes, And we run.” The only thing that would make this more Merida is if it concluded with the line “And then we shoot them in the brain like Katniss Everdeen.”
…Is Quasimodo from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, partially because we ran out of Princesses, but also partially because the rain washes Quasi clean too. Like Quasimodo, Taylor’s album is a lovable misfit among the booty shaking, twerkalicious, Nicki-Katy-Beyonce-Iggy-Miley’s of the world, but despite its uniqueness, it’s got a whole lot of soul you wont find anywhere else.