As some of you know, I am a Scandal & How To Get Away With Murder fan, so life is hard. So hard, in fact that every night when I lay myself down to sleep, I ask the Lord to spray some Miracle-Gro on my head because every week, Shonda Rhimes snatches my edges with her crazy plot twists and I end up looking like Naomi Campbell circa 2013, which is not cute when you don’t have Naomi Campbell money. Anyway, the point is that just as my edges were starting to recover, Grand Central Books announced that they are releasing an unauthorized biography of Beyoncé in fall 2015. The book will not feature any quotes from ’Yonce, but will rely on secondary sources, which is code for “shady heauxes.” I am not a shady heaux, but I do have the inside scoop on Queen Bey! So without further ado, here are 10 not at all made up for comedic effect completely factual things that Beyoncé doesn’t want mentioned in her unauthorized biography.
1. It’s Queen Bee’s way or the highway. We all know that Mrs. Knowles-Carter likes to keep herself in tip top shape. She also likes for those around her to be in peak physical condition as well. That’s why when Michelle Williams showed up to a Destiny’s Child rehearsal, eating pie, Beyoncé snapped, grabbed the dessert and said, “Oh, I see. Sweet potato pie is made of sweet potatoes, so it’s not like you’re really eating dessert, right? Right?! Open your mouth,” and then she did this to Michelle:
2. She doesn’t give good p-p-p-poker face. Everyone on staff knows the reason she’ll end a leotard fitting early is not because the clothing fits perfectly, but because she really has to fart and is terrible at hiding that fact as evidenced by her facial expression:
3. Beyoncé and Solange’s relationship has gone through more changes then I did during puberty. Before Solange beat Jay Z up in the elevator, she would try to get in touch with Beyoncé via cell phone, text, collect call, and the carrier pigeon method that was used in WWII by the British. B was like:Except for that one time when Solange wrote “Why Don’t You Love Me” for I Am…Sasha Fierce, which made B do the following…still, without looking up from her laptop: However, after Solange beat up Jay Z in the elevator, her and ’Yonce pretty much started acting the way my bff and I did in school when a teacher would say something that reminded us of an inside joke: OK, so it was only one change in ’Yonce and Solange’s relationship, but still…
4. Her middle name ought to be MacGyver. Why? Because she’s crafty as heck! For example, if she’s having a bad day, she will cheer herself up by reenacting this GIF:How? First, she places a bunch of vibrators on the floor and then cuts open an old down feather coat, letting the feathers cover the vibrators. Next, she gets in the pile of feathers and vibes and turns them on. She proceeds to rise from this pile like she just successfully called the customer service of the company she hates the most and cursed them out. SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND!
5. The struggle continues to be real. She may know how to record a groundbreaking album on the down low, release it to the masses without an announcement, and damn near break the internet, but she. Can’t. Figure. Out. How. To. Use. Her. DVR. As a result, B always forgets to add a five minute buffer to the end of her recordings and misses the last pivotal scenes of Homeland. This makes her react the way I do when I ready to leave the club, but then the DJ plays Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off,” so all my friends head back to the dance floor:
6. Her pre-show routine consists of one thing and one thing only. Saying the following to her boobs, legs, and elbows:
7. Beyoncé – not Kanye West – was the mastermind behind his stage crashing of Taylor Swift at the MTV VMAS.
8. Money doesn’t grow on trees. And guess what? Neither do weaves. But try telling that to Inside the Actors Studio host James Lipton, who nominated Queen Bey for the ALS ice bucket challenge. You see, what had happened was she just got a brand-new weave sewn in. Yay! Shortly after that, she discovered that she lost her shower cap and Walgreens was closed. No! So when she did her version of it of the ice bucket challenge, she did this:
9. Beyoncé has been trying for years to make the self-operating car from Knight Rider, KITT, a reality so she can arrive to celebrity funerals like this:
10. Like everyone else, B had an odd job. Right before her her first solo album Dangerously in Love was released, B wasn’t sure how her solo career was going to go, so she took on a part-time gig at a beauty parlor. She was in charge of doing Brazilian waxes, but had a non-traditional method. Instead of waxing, she simply activated Sasha Fierce and would say the following to her clients’ hair down there:which caused each butt hair to commit Samurai suicide. And bam! Smooth bums for everyone.