The Kardashians are a pretty explosive bunch. However, there’s one family member whose poker face is so strong that you can never tell what she’s feeling. Of course, we’re talking about ice princess and president of the Resting Bitchface Association, Kourtney.
Kourtney is confusing AF. She can deliver a biting line like, “I’m done with you” with a grin, then turn around and say something positive with no smile at all. It’s emotionally exhausting to determine if she’s upset or happy, but that’s also what makes her so interesting. For instance, here’s Kourtney’s sister Kim expressing her sadness in a more, erm, overt way:
The crying! The squinted eyes! The quivering lips! It’s pretty obvious that Kim is not cheery. But we can’t read Kourtney as easily. Here’s the oldest Kardashian casually swearing without the slightest hint of emotion:
Notice her glazed-over expression, motionless eyebrows, and evenly-parted mouth. Basically, she’s unreadable and somewhere Lady Gaga is screaming “META!” while fashioning a Kourtney costume for a performance. Are you as perplexed as we are? We tracked down 14 more times Kourtney’s emotions were as mysterious as Jennifer Lopez‘s inability to age. Come, take this journey with us.
The time she was bedridden and hungry for romance, but also had a grin on her face.
When most people express their thirst, there’s usually crying and a bottle of tequila involved. Kourtney brushes off her desire for love so damn easily.
The time she called her sisters bitches, but had lifeless eyes.
Not even an eye-roll, K? Screw Mariah Carey. You’re the real elusive chanteuse.
The time she threatened to use physical violence with a toothy grin.
This is terrifying. Kourtney’s essentially the Queen of Hearts and we’re the Wonderland townsfolk at her mercy.
The time she said she gave no shits, but smiled like she did.
Kourtney’s lack of emotion makes us think she actually cares more.
The time she pulled a Cher Horowitz, but with a smile not a smirk.
Is she over it? Intrigued? THIS IS WHAT KEEPS US UP AT NIGHT.
The time she talked about torturing Khloe with a GD cackle.
We’re scared and don’t know what’s happening.
The time she was done with everyone’s crap, but didn’t look like she was done with everyone’s crap.
An angel sings every time a Kardashian uses the word “rude.” (But it usually comes with dramatic hysterics.)
The time she contemplated death at brunch.
These extreme quotes are making us anxious.
The time she threatened to sodomize her sister with Mexican food and fucking smiled.
I’m sorry, what? WHO ARE YOU, KOURTNEY?
The time she gleefully dismissed a commoner.
Normal people say phrases like this with a frown or some tears. Kourtney laughs before banishing people forever.
The time she crossed her arms like she was angry, but smiled like there was pizza.
Make up your damn mind, Koutney! It’s killing us.
The time she wanted to punch someone, but looked super casual.
What’s even happening?
The time she contemplated someone’s asshole tendencies while simultaneously smizing.
Tyra Banks would be proud. We’re just lost.
The time she said something warm and tender with an icy face.
She’s a paradox with really pretty hair.
The Gossip Table has more on Kourtney partying the night away with Scott Disick.