Let’s be real, sex ed was a complete bust, and if you didn’t learn about the birds and the bees from your older siblings, you did from movies. And maybe some inappropriate adult movies you somehow snuck into your pubescent bed, but that’s for another time. Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the cinematic treasure that is The 40-Year-Old Virgin, so it’s only right that we honor it and other films that taught us so much about the marvelously awkward experience of getting that v-card swiped for the first time.
Cruel Intentions: Missionary is the virginity-snatching position.
No one expects you to be swinging from chandeliers the first time. Of course, if you can pull that off, we’ll give you a standing O. Just note that no room is ever lit as perfectly as this and nobody losing their virginity enjoys it nearly this much.
Crossroads: Be convinced you’re ready.
If your lab partner doesn’t court you by reading a convincing list of reasons why you need to be penetrated, you just shouldn’t put out. I mean, have a little self-respect for crying out loud. Please. Pleeeeaaaase.
American Pie: Practice makes perfect.
Before doing the deed, you need to prepare yourself for the sensation to be sure you can handle it. If that wasn’t true, why would warm apple pie and cucumbers exist? Scientific fact.
Love & Basketball: You have to go slooooooooow.
If you’re not boning like snails you’ll never get a firm grasp on what is what. Truly understanding the lay of the land goes beyond losing your virginity, and for some, can take a lifetime. So I hear.
Fear: Bad boys are master virginity-takers.
The crazy mofos are usually the best (again, so I hear). Chances are they’re “bad boys” precisely because they’re already having sex, so they’re not going to shrink (or finish) at the mere sight of your naked body. Avoid the tragic beginning and be better than us.
The 40-Year-Old Virgin: Condoms are like quantum physics.
Condoms can be confusing as s—t, which is why it’s in your best interest to practice putting one on before you’re about to swipe the card. Didn’t I tell you practice makes perfect? Pay attention.
Wet Hot American Summer: Choose your setting wisely.
A strange location could make you feel uncomfortable yet totally liberated, which is why it will only make for a better story one day. Props to those of you who couldn’t keep it in their pants, and got caught the first time, you crazy kids.
Superbad: Control your environment.
But really, don’t get caught. The only thing worse than being a virgin is being interrupted while losing your virginity. The question of whether it counts will haunt you. To avoid being walked in on or c-blocked, flee as far as you can from humanity. Or at least lock the door.
The First Time: Making out for a really, really, really, almost unfortunate amount of time is basically the same thing as losing your virginity.
We won’t tell if you won’t.
Almost Famous: Aim higher than simply losing your virginity.
The chances of your first time—or, really, any time—being with three experienced older people, instantly transforming you from virgin to legend, are incredibly slim. But hey, in school they teach you to dream big, right?
Now excuse me while I relive the reality of this experience.