Sometimes being an obsessive Real Housewives of Orange County fan can escalate to a level where you actually take on the characteristics of the ladies (you’ve been pretending your house isn’t in foreclosure, haven’t you?). In celebration of tonight’s season 8 premiere — 8pm on Bravo — read on to find out if you are, in fact, a RHOOC!
1.) Are you trying desperately to get pregnant with a man who’s dated half of your co-workers? If so, you might be turning into Gretchen Rossi, who’s storyline this season is focused on her attempts to procreate with broke “entrepreneur” Slade Smiley, her live in lover. Before linking up with Gretchen, Slimy — woops, Smiley — slept with two of the original housewives, Joe de la Rosa and Laurie Waring.
2.) Do you play Bunco? The inexplicable parlor game (it involves dice and teams, don’t ask) is favored by Housewife Tamra Barney. Her annual Bunco parties are usually drenched in tequila, costumes, and loads of plot-advancing drama.
3.) Are you a devout Christian with massive silicone-enhanced breasts? You have a lot in common with Alexis Bellino — aka “Jesus Jugs” — and new Housewife, Lydia McLaughlin. Their unflagging religious devotion is surpassed only by their commitment to plastic surgery and pageant-worthy weaves.
4.) Are you dating a shady Southern drifter who’s first name is a last name? If so, you might be emulating the last original cast member, Vicki Gunvalson. Last season, she divorced her long-suffering hubby and took up with a mysterious person named Brooks Ayers. He has a Yosemite Sam accent and is unable to explain what he truly does for a living.
5.) Have you threatened to quit your toxic job, but keep coming back for more? After a particularly trying seventh season (the girls ganged up on her several times, accusing her of being too braggy about her fancy cars and bags), Alexis Bellino told several media outlets that she was quitting the show. But the Alexis Couture designer has returned for more abuse — and with a snazzy new haircut!
6.) Wait — did you get a chin implant? Did you? Yep, rumor has it that Vicki Gunvalson goes under the knife (again?) this season, implanting fat into her chin to do…what, exactly? Does a defined, Leno-esque chin make a woman look younger? Ours is not to wonder why.
7.) Are you friends with Lisa Vanderpump? Yes? So is new cast addition Lydia McLaughlin. She’s editor-in-chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle magazine, where the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fan favorite pens a monthly column.
8.) Have you appeared on fourteen different TV series? If you have, you’re in the same lane as last season’s new chick on the block, Heather Dubrow, an accomplished character actress. The mother of four has appeared in a zillion television shows, from Norm to Hot in Cleveland.
9.) Are you opening a fitness studio with your law clerk fiancee? This season, petite Housewife dynamo Tamra Barney is not only planning her wedding to law office clerk Eddie, she’s also opening a gym with him. Neither one of them has any experience running a fitness center, but inexplicable side hustles are the stuff this franchise is made of.
10.) Do you wear spangly tops with white jeans, like, exclusively? Since the first season aired in ’06, the ladies have experienced marriage, divorce, financial ups and downs, and being “naked wasted.” One thing remains constant, though: The Housewife uniform. If you favor clingy tops with sparkly accents paired with white jeans (usually Capri), you’re officially on the team.
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