Hail Schweddy Balls! Celebrate Alec Baldwin's Birthday With The 15 Greatest Lines Of His Career

By Jordan Runtagh

April 3, 2013 / 9:00 AM

Happy 55th birthday, Alec Baldwin! After a period in the showbiz wilderness (remember that voicemail), Baldwin has climbed back to the top once again with his career-defining role in 30 Rock, and appearances in recent blockbusters like The Departed, It's Complicated, Rock Of Ages, and too many more. In honor of the most famous Baldwin's brother's big day (sorry Stephen), we've assembled his 15 greatest Baldwin-isms from throughout his career. It's the least we could do after those pics of his daughter we posted last week...Anyhow, enjoy!

15. On Salesmanship: As Blake In Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)

"F--- YOU! That's my name. You know why, mister? You drive a Hyundai to get here, I drove an $80,000 BMW. THAT'S my name." Alec Baldwin defines baller (as well as a--hole) in this epic (NSFW) speech from the film adaptation of the David Mamet play.

14. On Economics: As Phil DeVoss in Elizabethtown (2005)

Alec paints a vivid portrait of $972 million to a terrified young executive, whose faulty product could cost the company just that amount.

13. On Splurging: As Frederick J. Frenger Jr. In Miami Blues (1990)

Baldwin lives out all of our lottery fantasies as he counts his "million Brazillian dollars" in a motel bed. His Scarface-esque impression is pretty hilarious as he imagines buying expensive toys. "Wrap it up, man."

12. On Ego and Humility: As Jed Hill In Malice (1993)

"I am god." Yup, Baldwin pretty much lays it out there in this incredible speech from Aaron Sorkin.

11. On Beauty: As Lt. Colonel Nicholas Kudrow In Mercury Rising (1997)

[caption id="attachment_295403" align="aligncenter" width="615"] [Photo: Imagine Entertainment][/caption]Guest at Party: "Nick, I can't believe you look so good for someone so old. How do you do that?"

Lt. Colonel Nicholas Kudrow: "Drugs my dear. Massive doses of drugs."

In Baldwin's case, we have to wonder...

10. On Marriage (Your Own): As Capt. George Ellerby In The Departed (2006)

In Scorsese's masterpiece that snagged him a long-deserved Oscar, Baldwin gives us a suitably pragmatic (and totally unemotional) take on tying the knot.

9. On Marriage (Other People's): As Stan Indursky In Along Came Polly (2004)

"I would insure your marriage any day of the week," says Ben Stiller's insurance company boss as he toasts their wedding. It's sweet...in his own heavily accented way.

8. On Romantic Attraction: As John In To Rome With Love (2012)

[caption id="attachment_295409" align="aligncenter" width="615"] [Photo: Sony Picture Classics][/caption]"Yes. She does have a certain something, which trumps logic. So go ahead, walk into the propeller."

Woody Allen penned these wise words from Baldwin to speak to his young friend (possibly younger self) in this love letter to Rome.

7. On Sex: As Old Man Dunphy In Outside Providence (1999)

"Remember I said that," the old dude concludes as he gives us a pearl on the true meaning of sex. We'll have a hard time forgetting.

6. On Sex (Part 2): As Frank "The Cucumber" de Marco In Married To The Mob (1988)

This whole scene is just made of "No". So much no.

5. On Loyalty: As Shelly Shelly Kaplow In The Cooler (2003)

"Now listen to me, you little Harvard turd. Lootz is all right, so he's walking out of here with everything he's got coming to him. If you so much as touch one fucking hair on his fucking head, I'm gonna fucking wallpaper this fucking bathroom with your fucking ass, do you understand me? Muted tones, isn't that what you said, huh? Huh? I can't hear you. Wait, wait a minute. There it is. Blended in, at a subsonic level, like some kind of mantra: "Pain, pain, pain."

Baldwin gives (in our opinion) one of the best performances of her career in this underrated Vegas flick, where he plays an old school casino-owner being pushed out by the new breed of hotshots. The scene where he defends his old friend Bernie Lootz (likely at the expense of his job, if not his life) is a definite highlight.

4. On Balls: As Schweddy On Saturday Night Live (1998)

You knew this one had to be in here. Just try to watch it without cracking a smile. Low brow? Yes. Hilarious. Definitely! No one can resist it...

3. On Children: Everything In Thomas And The Magic Rail Road (2000)

Baldwin following in the footsteps of other unlikely (maybe even innappropriate) children's entertainment stars as Ringo Starr and George Carlin to play the magical Mr. Conductor. Still, it makes our head spin.

2. On Passion: As Dennis Dupree In Rock Of Ages (2012)

Not exactly a "line," but who knew Baldwin had such a great voice!

1. On Style: As Jack Donaghy In 30 Rock (2007)

We could easily have just made a list of Baldwin's best 30 Rock lines...and it would have been a hell of a lot longer than 15! We wanted to mix it up, but this gem will always be our favorite.

[Photo: Getty Images]