What If Pepper Potts Wrote Gwyneth Paltrow’s “GOOP”?

Like her Iron Man 3 alter ego, Pepper Potts, Gwyneth Paltrow is practically perfect in every way. She’s an Academy Award winning actress, People’s Most Beautiful Woman in the World and besties with Beyonce. Gwynnie is also the author of GOOP, her lifestyle blog that tells people how to live a better life through diet, exercise and being rich and famous.

Given that Pepper Potts hobnobs with the Avengers, runs Stark Industries, dates Iron Man and keeps everything super tight and chic, we couldn’t help but wonder what an edition of GOOP guest edited by Pepper Potts would look like.

[Photo Credit: Iron Man 3 – Marvel Films/Disney; Getty Images]

*Please note some Iron Man 3 spoilers ahead*

Hello! Pepper here! Since I only have one issue of GOOP to write in–and since I only have about seven minutes before I go into a business meeting with the United States government–I’m going to just give you a quick overview of how I live my best life and how you can too.

I want to start off by saying I think female friends are important. If it wasn’t for the one time every three years that I hang out with my dear friend, Natalia Romanova, I think I would go insane. Of course you might know Natalia as Natasha Romanov, or as the Black Widow, but I know her as my very best and only female friend.

When Natalia and I get together we usually stare each other down for twenty minutes before exchanging side-eye about something Tony has said or done. Then we laugh. Laughter is good for the soul because laughter is the opposite of crying and crying is bad.

Natalia is one of the fittest women I’ve ever met. I asked Natalia once about her workout routine and she told me that she runs six miles a day uphill. She doesn’t lift weights, but she’s always carrying about fifteen pounds of firearms and ammunition somewhere on her body. On weekends she does acrobatics in an underground gym and records herself so she can pick apart her performance and improve upon it later. About three times a week, she is sent on a secret mission where she invariably kills or beats the living daylights out of some sort of threat to the prosperity of Western culture, and that’s not only a great calorie burner, but a fun way to let loose.

I haven’t tried running uphill or the acrobatics, but I have been getting in more firefights lately, and yes, when your body releases adrenaline because it thinks you’re about to die, you do burn more calories. Fun!

[Photo Credit: Iron Man 2 – Marvel Films/Disney]

I think I speak for every woman out there when I say that it’s stressful having it all. I mean, in between running Stark Industries, helping with the rebuilding of Stark Tower as “Avengers Tower”, spending romantic time with Tony, fleeing from our enemies and avoiding being a “superhero girlfriend” cliche, I get pretty stressed out.

I don’t have time for anything longer than a 90 minute weekly massage, so I needed to find some quick fixes to keep me from crumbling.

Luckily, Tony’s friend, Dr. Bruce Banner, is an expert in finding inner harmony. He’s traveled all over the world in search of a way to keep his inner demon-The Hulk-at bay. He’s also been on the run from the United States military and various organizations who would seek to use The Hulk for evil, but he mainly traveled around to do yoga. I think.

Anyway, I asked dear, wonderful Bruce one time for some advice on keeping calm, and he told me what he told Tony, which was that his secret is to always be angry.┬áSince learning this, I have kept my heart a tiny, burning coil of rage and I’m on the verge of flipping out over the tiniest thing. It’s wonderful.

[Photo Credit: The Avengers: Marvel Films/Disney]

Finally, I think I speak for everyone out there when I say that fashion is my passion. I’m always using my exorbitant income as one of the only female CEOs in the world to splurge on the latest edgy takes on custom made fashion from the Paris runways, but I also can’t resist a bargain like the hand dyed cutoff jean shorts I like to sport when I’m on vacation.

However, I think that my favorite outfit to wear is Iron Man’s suit. If you ever have a chance to be in a life endangering situation and Tony Stark is there, try to get him to care enough about you to order his suit to encompass your body like a tank cocoon.

I have never felt stronger as a woman than when I was in a machine designed to turn a man into a superhero. I could fly. I could fire bursts from my hands. I was impervious to bullets. It was great. Not to mention the red-gold color combination is ultra glamorous. I think every woman should wear an Iron Man suit for a day.

Other things I’m into:

  • These marbles that my old friend, Aldrich Killian, brought me. You can roll them on the ground and they show you a map of your own brain–or the universe–or something happening in an unspecified location offscreen. No home entertainment system or dorm room could be complete without them.
  • Therapy
  • Shawarma. Ever since New York, Tony’s been having nightmares, but he’s also been eating a lot of shawarma. It’s great. You make it by going to the restaurant and ordering it off the menu. Enjoy!

That’s all the time I have for now! I hope that you take these suggestions to heart and go forth and live your best life!

–Pepper

[Photo Credit: Iron Man 3 – Marvel Films/Disney]

Related: The 20 Most Skin-Tight Superhero Costumes