Scandal Burn List: 7 Snappiest Quotes From “It’s Handled”

People are unhappy with each other in D.C. Also in the fictional D.C. Though we suspect real-life D.C. wishes they had a nice sex scandal on their hands right now instead of a shutdown. At least on Scandal, everyone is equipped with precisely calculated zingers, courtesy of Shonda Rhimes and company, to help them talk through the pain. And ouch, no one was safe during last night’s season three premiere. Here are our favorite quotes, and the people burned by them:

“First Lady. Do you have to be so mediocre?” That was Olivia’s dad Rowan, criticizing his daughter for not aiming to be secretary of state. Burned: Mellie Grant, Olivia Pope, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama…

“The White House will destroy you.” “That’s what mom used to tell me about you.” Olivia and her dad have got some issues we can’t wait to see played out. We’re getting the best Alias Jack-and-Sydney flashbacks here. Burned: Rowan Pope, if that’s his real name.

“I wouldn’t need to smile at Oprah if you didn’t sleep with your whore every chance you got.” — Mellie
“I know the situation is difficult, and I’m sorry … but I’m going to need you to refrain from calling me a whore every chance you get, at least to my face.” — Olivia. Burned: Mellie, Olivia, Fitz, prostitutes and mistresses in general. But definitely NOT Oprah.

“The Lord does not have the right to vote in the United States of America!” — Cyrus. Burned: The Lord?

“Why are you helping me?” “Because we’re not married.” Oooh! Another shot at Mellie! This one from Fitz. Burned: Mellie, the institution of marriage.

“Couldn’t we just kill another intern?” Uh-oh. Burned: interns, any woman not in a position of power, anyone hoping that Quinn wasn’t going to become a sociopath.

And the piece de resistance, Harrison’s rallying cry:
“Are we gladiators or are we bitches?” Burned: bitches.

[Photos: ABC]