After Noah: More Boring Bible Stories We Want Recast With Sexy Stars

  • judith holofernes

  • jacob and esau

  • david and goliath

  • christ fig tree

  • lot’s wife

Darren Aronofsky’s Noah debuted in theaters this weekend and we have to say that we were pleasantly surprised by how hot all the Biblical characters were. Look, the Bible says nothing about Noah looking like Russell Crowe or his wife having the porcelain complexion of Jennifer Connelly or that his sons were super hot or that Emma Watson was even there. We’re totally fine with all the liberties that Hollywood took with the age old Biblical tale. In fact, we have some Bible stories we’d like Hollywood to tackle next.

The story of “Jacob and Esau” is kind of like “Cain and Abel Lite,” so why not beef up our interest in the classic tale of inheritance, jealousy and lentil stew by casting Ryan Gosling and Jake Gyllenhaal as the battling brothers? The tale of how Judith decapitated Holofernes seems like something out of Quentin Tarantino’s most blood-soaked fantasies. So, what if Uma Thurman slipped into the role of the sword-wielding widow?  Or what if Wes Anderson brought his quirky vision to the famous tale of “David and Goliath?” Hipsters and film enthusiasts everywhere would welcome a reunion of Bill Murray and Moonlight Kingdom’s Jared Gilman in the title roles.

[Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures & Getty Images]