Please Don’t Call It A Comeback: ’80s Retreads That Sucked

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Remember when the bulk of movies were based on totally fresh, original concepts? Not so anymore, kids. In the past ten years, there’s been a full-on onslaught of ’80s remakes. From The Smurfs to RoboCop, moviemakers have stopped taking chances with interesting movies, in favor of mining hits from the past. We understand why, of course. What better way to get Generation X parents to take their kids to movies, than to lure them with childhood nostalgia?

The only problem is that, more often than not, these remakes are totally absurd. Did we really need a Karate Kid remake — with a nine-year-old playing a twelve-year-old based on a sixteen-year-old character (originally played by a twenty-three-year-old Ralph Macchio?). Why gild the lily that is The Goonies (Richard Donner and Stephen Spielberg are in production right now)? And when it comes to the big-budget retreads, like G.I. Joe, the updated C.G.I. effects take all the heart out of the story.

It pains us to even mention these practically blasphemous remakes — but here, check out the ten worst ’80s updates, ever!

[Photos: Universal Pictures, 20th Century Fox, MGM, Warner Bros.]