Shark Week kicks off tonight at 8 p.m. EST on the Discovery Channel, and don’t act like you’re not excited. For seven glorious days, we get to indulge in a topic that frightens and excites us more than anything else: SHARKS ATTACKING PEOPLE. Well, sharks doing anything, really. These razor-toothed fishes are f—kin’ awesome creatures that dazzle us with their majestic prowess, and Discovery acknowledges this with its annual week-long homage. There should be a channel solely dedicated to Jaws, to be honest.
As always, Shark Week is a hodgepodge of new specials and oldie-but-goodie throwbacks. At VH1, we want to make your viewing experience as smooth and painless as possible, so here’s a quick-and-dirty guide to the most exciting week of television. Ever.
8 p.m.: Air Jaws: Fins of Fury
The iconic Air Jaws series comes back to explore one of our favorite sharks, the great white. This time, Natural History producer Jeff Kurr and his team return to track down “Colossus,” a missing “mega-shark.” Expect lots of cool gadgets.
9 p.m.: Shark of Darkness: Wrath of Submarine
This documentary tells the legend of “Submarine,” a 30-foot great white off the coast of South Africa. But is it real?
1 p.m.: Great White Gauntlet
Divers head into Australia’s shark-infested waters for a million-dollar reward, but they’ve got to survive the great whites that lurk underneath.
9 p.m.: Jaws Strikes Back
In this nail-biting special, a team of marine biologists head to the Pacific island Guadalupe and document the biggest great whites in action. We think we’re going to need a bigger boat.
10 p.m.: Monster Hammerhead
Scientists head to the Florida shores to see if a legendary hammerhead shark has really been flourishing there for 60 years.
9 a.m.: Bull Shark: World’s Deadliest Shark
Zoologist Nigel Marven travels around the world to learn more about bull sharks. A little too early in the morning for shark attacks? Nah.
9 p.m.: Alien Sharks 2: Return to the Abyss
Researcher Paul Clerkin treks deep into the Indian Ocean to investigate a new shark species and see the last known group of bioluminescent sharks. Don’t miss this one, guys.
10 p.m.: Lair of the Mega Shark
Kurr returns with fellow shark expert Andy Casagrande; they journey to New Zealand and investigate sightings of a 20-foot great white known as the “lord of the sharks.” Think Big Foot, only under water.
12 p.m.: Blood in the Water
This special explores the real shark attacks in 1916 that inspired the 1975 classic Jaws.
9 p.m.: Zombie Sharks
Sharks can achieve tonic immobility, a zombie-like state that allows them to appear almost dead. Scientists explore this phenomenon in a new documentary, paying close attention to the recent rise in orca whale attacks on great whites.
10 p.m.: Spawn of Jaws: The Birth
Dr. Michael Domeier attempts to make history and capture the birth of a baby great white for the first time. Will he be successful? This one’s a must-see.
3 p.m.: Air Jaws Apocalypse
A team of experts use high-tech gadgets to capture the 3,000-pound “Colossus” shark in its stomping grounds.
9 p.m.: I Escaped Jaws 2
This riveting series returns. Survivors share their shark attack stories using actual footage from the encounters. Watch this one with friends. With the lights on.
10 p.m.: Sharkageddon
Points for the punny title, Discovery. Hawaii’s placid shores are experiencing an uncommon amount of shark attacks, so surfer and Hawaii native Kala Alexander attempts to get to the bottom of it.
1 p.m.: Shark Attack Survival Guide
What do you do when you’re the victim of a shark attack? Host Terry Schappert shows you step-by-step through deadly scenarios. The more you know, right?
9 p.m.: Megalodon: The Extended Cut; 10 p.m.: Megalodon: The New Evidence
Marine Biologist Collin Drake investigates what creature attacked a fishing vessel off the coast of South Africa in April 2013.
10 a.m.: Killer Sharks
This special explores the deadly shark attacks that happened during the 1957 holiday season in South Africa.
9 p.m.: Great White Matrix
Casagrande and shark attack survivor Paul de Gelder head to the Australian waters and explore a hot spot rampant with great whites.
10 p.m.: Sharksanity
Again with the puns, Discovery! We love it. Since this is the last new Shark Week show, the channel is keeping the deets under wraps. Guess you’ll just have to tune in!
12 p.m.: Voodoo Sharks
Is there a monster shark lurking in the Louisiana bayous? A team of fishermen find out. Meanwhile, a scientist explores bull sharks potentially living in a New Orleans freshwater lake.
Don’t forget to watch the live talk show Shark After Dark every night at 11 p.m., where host Josh Wolf keeps the fun going with celebrity guests and shark experts.
[Photo Credit: Getty Images]