It is fascinating, hypnotic, and has a Jimmy Neutron vibe minus the sky-high swoosh of hair in the front that doubles as the Mall of America escalator to Heaven (aka Orange Julius) on the weekends. But most importantly, her wig gives viewers inside information on the show that the script can’t. So without further ado, here is everything that Viola’s cray cray wig, whom I have named Althea, wants us to know about How To Get Away with Murder. [BEWARE: SPOILERS ABOUT THE SHOW AHEAD]
First, for all us #Gladiators, Althea wants us to know that she also finds it hilarious that Amanda Tanner — who was a bronze medalist at Scandal’s Heaux Olympics for white water rafting down President Grant’s peen on a regular basis — now spends her days following Annalise Keating around like a straggler baby penguin from the Morgan Freeman-narrated March of the Penguins.*In best Morgan Freeman voice*: “Annalise’s heavy bang does hang over her right eye like an The Cheesecake Factory awning does its outdoor seating area, but let us remember, Annalise is the boss, while Amanda Tanner spends her evenings nursing her paper cuts from doing administrative work for Annalise all day. Black Women: 10,000; White Women: -17.” Point well taken.
Here’s a multiple choice question for you: Since Sam, Annalise’s husband, most likely did have an extramarital affair with his now-dead student Lila Stangard, Althea lets us know the way Annalise is going to cope with this betrayal by:
A. Cry-eating ice cream while listening to ’90s Mary J. Blige
B. Burning all his clothes Angela Bassett-style a la Waiting to Exhale
C. Having revenge sex with his best friend
The answer is none of the above, duh! The way Annalise deals is by having Althea shape-shift into Justin Bieber circa 2011.When times were simpler and no one in America had even heard of Rob Ford’s crazy self who most likely says, “Tonight, we dine in Hell” before servicing his wife. #Memories
Thanks to Althea, we also learn that HTGAWM is not just concerned with solving crimes. It also wants to solve life’s greater mysteries. For example, Maya Angelou’s “Still I Rise” poem was actually not about having inner fortitude and strength in the face of adversity, but about acting the mess out of a scene while your wig glue glistens like Swarovski crystals on a necklace from Claire’s.Just in case you were uncertain, HTGAWM is, indeed, set in Obama’s America. Althea’s Exhibit A: The way Sam gently caresses Annalise’s face shows us that white men now know that the only thing that’s more important than steamy sexy times to black women is not screwing up their wig game in the process.
Connor and HTGAWM may never admit it, but being both a top and a bottom in the bedroom is hella tough. Althea should know. She’s both trying to be on top and bottom of Annalise’s head right here:HELLO, NAPE HAIR THAT IS A MULLET IN TRAINING!
Sure, Annalise is a tough cookie, but she’s also vulnerable. Need proof? Look at the way she shivers when talking to her jump off about her potentially shady husband. OK, OK, she’s probably not shivering out of fear, but because Althea is in full-on side mullet mode a la Rosie O’Donnell in the early aughts, and is only covering one of her ears.And finally, Althea also wants to remind us that not only is HTGAWM must-see-TV because of its bananas plot twists and great acting, but it is excellent re-watch-TV. Check out this three second loop — which embodies the spirit of Aaliyah’s “bang covering one eye gangsta lean” — as it will undoubtedly be better than the entire Aaliyah biopic that’s airing on Lifetime next month: [Photo Credit: ABC]