Kim Kardashian Is a Goddamn Genius

Courtney Enlow

So, you throw a party. The party is super neat, everyone is having fun, things are going fine. Then, it gets late, people start filtering out. There are some belligerent stragglers who used to be fun but got way annoying, and finally they leave, too. You really want to go to bed, but there’s one person still there. Just… there. Just hanging out. And then they never leave, so they just live in your house now and you have to deal with it forever, living out your days with this person who just never left the party.

That’s basically Kim Kardashian.

Every new Kim Kardashian-related piece of news brings with it the same types of reaction. Cries of “slut!” — or perhaps “harlot!” if yours is a fancy slut shame — or pleas for “the children!” because no one ever thinks of them, especially Kardashian, according to many. There’s also the ever-ubiquitous desire for her 15 minutes to, finally, at long last, cease.

And I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I think Kardashian and her be-oiled backside will be part of our world for a very long time.

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Be it a wedding, a poorly chosen maternity ensemble, or now a very greasy, remarkably chipper series of nude photographs for Paper magazine, everything she does stirs up some manner of outcry. And where we have defeated similar pop culture icons, she remains steadfast. Where many have crumbled under the weight of such negativity, she thrives. She’s like a tree that feeds off bad jokes and mean Internet comments and then she turns into a flower and I don’t understand enough about plants to make this an effective simile. Basically, we tried to strike her down and she has become more powerful than we could ever imagine. I mean, that’s probably where Obi-Wan Kenobi got his “K.” He’s a quarter Kardashian on his dad’s side.

Kim Kardashian has been famous since 2007. That’s seven years she’s been in our lives. Even Paris Hilton was only a thing for three, and I don’t know if you really, truly remember what that time was like, but it was a dark unspeakable nightmare (the tiny dogs — why would no one help the tiny dogs?!) that felt as though it might never end. With Kim, however, there is no end. No 15 minutes we’re waiting on to finish up. This… this is just our world now. Ours is a world with rivers, trees, deserts, water buffalo, and Kim Kardashian.

And quite honestly, I’m not sure why. I’m not sure what has made her so resilient. Is it that she’s boring? Hilton was boring, but she was boring and super racist, so she had to go away. Is it seriously the exotic mystique of booty? Because that’s pretty effed up when you stop and think about it, which photographer/noted sleaze Jean-Paul Goude clearly did, borrowing Sarah Baartman-esque imagery for his “Break the Internet” photo shoot. And maybe it’s the illusion of being stupid, as in too stupid to understand the racial implications of the shoot or anything else people hate about her, but not stupid enough to say stupid things all the time.

I don’t think she is stupid, guys. She has managed to turn being bland and rich into an empire in ways and with staying power no one before her has, and no one knows why. She’s a goddamn genius.

And, like it or not, she’s our genius. Yours is a Kardashian world. It may continue to be so for a very long time. Accept our shiny-haired, nude-lipped overlords. An offering of a fruit basket or firstborn is appreciated.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]