By now we all know that Lifetime’s Aaliyah movie was an atrocity. The network has a long history of going for camp — choosing true Hollywood stories that are famous for their salacious details. Sometimes they hit (see: Joan Allen’s Emmy nomination for 2009’s Georgia O’Keeffe), but most of the time it’s a big mess. And the casting is almost always terrible.
We love pop culture, so we took it upon ourselves to dream up some Lifetime movie subjects of our own — complete with questionable casting choices. Lindsay Lohan’s charmed fall from grace (full of drug and shoplifting accusations, and even a dip in the lady pond) is the perfect vehicle for fellow Disney redhead Bella Thorne. Obviously Beyoncé will want to play herself in any and all future representations of her life (as well as write, direct, and produce), and who better to step into the role of Charlie Sheen than the equally controversial Shia LaBeouf? After all the uproar around the Aaliyah movie, we’re patiently waiting for the day the network dives into the Carter-Knowles elevator debacle. (It’s too good not to.)
Check out some of the juiciest Hollywood stories deserving of the Lifetime treatment.
LOHAN: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
At one time Lohan was the charming, freckle-faced star of bankable Disney films. Now she’s (largely) a punchline, and a liability at work. Give us the whole story complete with mellow dramatic music and mascara tears!
Destiny’s Child: The Journey of One Superstar Mogul (and Her Backup Singers)
From lineup changes to high-class shade, the story of this girl group is a lot more than bad outfits and outdated tech references. But mostly it’s about Beyoncé.
The View: How Barbara Got Her Groove Back
A pioneer in the all-female talk show game, this long-running ABC show has gotten more coverage for the sparring between its rotating set of co-hosts than any material covered on air. And after 17 years, who hasn’t been considered for a seat at the table?
The Elevator: The Jay Z and Solange Story
Admit it: You STILL want to know what went down to make Solange attack her brother-in-law (as Queen Bey stood silent and watched). We all know about Jay Pharoah’s Jay Z impression, so this is a no-brainer.
#WINNING: The Charlie Sheen Story
We all remember those glorious weeks in 2011 when the Two and a Half Men star was giving weird interview after weird interview and pissing away his fat CBS check. Of course, it wasn’t the first time he made headlines for bad behavior (something LaBeouf knows a lot about).
Trust & Beliebe
Bieber is the reigning pop king, despite a recent history of racist videos and peeing in buckets. His homegrown YouTube story and the fact that he’s Canadian make it even better for the trashy TV treatment. And since Austin Mahone is a poor man’s Bieber, why not throw him an easy gig?
[Photos: Sam Gold]