Nicole Wilder/ABC

Shonda Rhimes Almost Fooled Us with a Major Scandal Death. Almost.

Bae is back in town.

Michael Arceneaux

So Jake Ballard, aka bae, did not die last week. I know, I know. He was stabbed 72 times and appeared to have bled out over Olivia Pope and Associates’ conference room table, but he survived. I shouldn’t be surprised. This is Scandal where anything can happen and then whatever does happen can easily be changed.

Lots of things happened last night. Will any of it matter on the next episode? That’s a good question, but not one I can answer right now. In the meantime, let’s talk about the ones I can. Insert gigantic Olivia Pope glass filled with fancy lady red wine here.

Why is Quinn the one always being put through the most traumatic of experiences? Poor thing.

This poor girl was the one who discovered Jake on the conference room table. My girl has been going through trauma again and again. A lot of y’all may not like her, but respect her thug. She’s taken on more than the majority of this show.

Why was David Rosen trying to call an ambulance for Jake?

This man doesn’t learn, and if he doesn’t learn his friends fast, he’s got to die. Them’s the rules.

Why were those people chitchatting while Jake was slowly but surely dying before their eyes?

Rude.

What do you make of Sallie, the talk show host?

Personally, I believe Sally does a really good job of being the fusion restaurant entree equivalent of Bill O’Reilly and Megyn Kelly. Can you imagine if an anchor on FOX News was as good as Sally is at this job?

Was the goon homemaker character based on Martha Stewart?

I’m not saying Martha Stewart is Russian or an assassin, but if she ever dabbled in that field, I imagine when she did retire, she’d be making cookies and leading a charmed domestic life like the woman on the episode last night. Oh, may she rest in peace.

Didn’t you just love how no one checked if Mellie could actually run for senate while serving as First Lady?

Ain’t that American politics in a nutshell?

What kind of assassin lets his boss just shoot him for the hell of it?

I understand Rowan Pope is an intimidating character, but you got me f**ked all the way up if you think I’m going to let you just shoot me as punishment. How is Daddy Pope not dead? Why haven’t all of his enemies joined each other like The Avengers to take him out of the game?

Why is Cyrus such an insufferable, vile, empty, petty, horrible human being?

I’m glad he came through at the end, but I don’t appreciate that selfish somebody being so unwilling to assist Mellie in combating the notion that she shouldn’t be a senator because as First Lady, she needs to be focused on Easter egg hunts and book clubs. Why is he being the Lil’ Kim to her Nicki Minaj about Mellie’s political ambitions? Cyrus is funny, but he is evil. This is why he can’t keep a man. No shade.

That said, he would be an amazing talk show host. “Pure Evil with Cyrus Beene.” I’d hate watch and love it.

OH, YOU MAD YOUR MARRIED BOYFRIEND CALLING ABOUT HIS WIFE, LIV?

Whew. She sure didn’t like when Fitz hit her for advice about Mellie Mel, huh? She did give him great advice in the end, but I did chuckle at how irked she was about it initially.

After all of that happened, why was David Rosen still trying to do a grand jury investigation of B316?

Bruh: You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.

How has Olivia still not learned not to bring new people around?

The best part of last night’s episode was Liv pulling out a gun on her B316 bae while straddling him after figuring out that he was the one who snitched to her dad and ruined their most recent job with the Russian Martha Stewart. Torture the hell out of him, Liv. He was supposed to be a sidepiece, not a snitch who murders your other boo thang and foil your plans to defeat your villainous father. Blah.