Breathe, people. It’s only been hours since the latest heart-stopping American Horror Story: Freak Show episode, but it’s important to stay calm. (Believe us, we’re still in shock, too.)
Last night’s episode came for all of us and didn’t stop until we (oh, and two pivotal characters) were dead. Dying. Done. The phrase “we can’t” has never applied more to a situation than the latest Freak Show installment, titled “Blood Bath.” Which, geez, is that the understatement of the year or what?
We didn’t want to intervene with Ryan Murphy’s slayage of our souls, but we feel there’s no other option. So much happened last night, and it needs to be addressed. Welcome to your VH1 AHS: Freak Show therapy session. We’re here for you…spoilers and all. (Consider that a warning.)
To properly deal with the gravity of the episode at hand, we’ve broken down the hour into its most shocking moments. Let’s take a look:
1. We find out Dandy was always a weird little fuck. (Like, he used to kill cats.)
We open the episode with Gloria Mott (Frances Conroy/Balenciaga queen) in shambles/therapy over her troubled son Dandy, (Finn Wittrock) who is still reveling over killing their maid Dora (Patti LaBelle) in a psychotic rage because no one would play with him or something. But, lo and behold, we find out this (kinda hot) menace was always a little cray cray. He killed his mother’s cat because it was messing with her rose bushes (and then he upgraded to little boys). Oh, and he used to chop off what we believe to be a young Regina Ross’ (Gabourey Sidibe) hair just for shits and giggles. It’s always scarring when Dandy does anything, to be honest.
2. Ethel (Kathy Bates) reads Elsa (Jessica Lange) to filth, and then Elsa does the unthinkable.
After Dell (Michael Chiklis) became the most hated man on Earth by killing the ultimate angelic princess — and possible daughter of the actual sun — Ma Petite (Jyoti Amge), everyone in the Freak Show is in mourning, most notably Elsa. (No one knows Dell did it, and they found Ma Petite’s dress in the woods; the group thinks she was kidnapped by wolves). However, Ethel can see through Elsa’s liiiies and takes her to the back of the tent for a little confrontation. According to Ethel, Elsa’s a fame-hungry mega bitch who’s actually happy Ma Petite — a Freak Show crowd pleaser — is dead and can no longer steal the spotlight. We also get confirmation that Elsa had no concerns if Stanley (Denis O’Hare) “mercy killed” siamese twins Bette and Dot (Sarah Paulson). To her, it was “quite a solution” to getting her close-up back. Ethel takes a page out of the Annie Wilkes book and has every intention of shooting Elsa right there. So what does Elsa do? Throws a knife at Ethel’s eye, killing her. She then frames it as a tragic car accident… like the ice queen she is. Yes, Kathy Bates is dead.
3. Regina just wants to find her mother.
Regina comes to Gloria and Dandy’s Florida home in search for her mother Dora, who hasn’t called her in weeks (because, ya know, she’s dead). Gloria iconically says Dora is on some perilous expedition to find the perfect squash (?) and doesn’t know when she will return. But Regina smells a rat (or Dandy’s bedroom aroma, which we guess is a mix of milk chocolate and scotch), and decides to wait for her mother to return. Dandy doesn’t have time for this, so he implores that Gloria kill Regina to keep their secret. It hasn’t happened yet, but — cringe — we see it coming soon. Tears.
4. There’s a new Freak Show character in town, and she is everything.
Elsa’s wastes no time trying to find a replacement for Ma Petite, and she recruits an Upper East Side plus-sized princess named Ima Wiggles, “The Fat Lady” (Chrissy Metz). Sassy, well dressed, and tired of her mother’s glaring eye, Wiggles joins Elsa’s Freak Show and is greeted with a feast worthy of the gods. She digs right in with flawless makeup and is dressed to kill. It’s magical, and we can’t wait to see what Wiggles brings to the mix.
5. Penny’s painful plan for revenge on her father.
After Penny (Grace Gummer)’s father tattooed her face when he found out she’s in love with Paul, the Illustrated Seal (Mat Fraser), she joins the Freak Show but is still pretty PO’ed. Penny and a few of the Freak Show girls decide to kidnap her father and plan to chop off his penis and make him crocodile food. But they don’t get that far. Maggie Esmerelda (Emma Roberts) barges in on their sadistic game right after Penny’s father is tarred and feathered. She convinces them not to go through with their plan, and Penny sends her father off in what might be the most painful walk of shame in history.
6. Dandy and Gloria get into a teensy-weensy tussle.
Fresh off this mother-son duo’s psychotic pact to kill Regina, Gloria calls the family therapist and fires him. But Dandy just can’t be happy for five seconds, so he starts blaming Gloria for his tendency to transform into the human version of Chucky. It’s revealed Dandy’s father is actually Gloria’s second cousin, and this news is too much for him. He can’t keep living in this madness, so he puts a gun to his head. “No,” she screams. “Not this way. I can’t go on if you kill yourself.” Dandy simply responds “OK” before turning the gun on Gloria and killing her. And then he just stands there with that creepy and detached smile before taking a bath in his mom’s blood (so much meta). You read that correctly. Frances Conroy is now dead, too.
These past two episode’s have been a lot, to say the least. Any chance Murphy will pull a Coven and bring these three supernova goddesses back to life? Nope. “This season, once you die, you’re dead,” Murphy told Entertainment Weekly in September.
Alright, it’s time to vent. Let us know how you’re dealing with these latest AHS: Freak Show losses in the comments below.
[Photo Credit: FX]