How To Fake Your Way Through a Conversation About Celebrity Gossip at Holiday Parties

-Tara Aquino

Holiday parties are a lot of pressure. They require small talk, and mingling with people you barely know over eggnog that’s probably making you gag. How do you survive the minimum amount of time you must put in (so as not to look like you can’t hang)? Shallow conversation about anything and everything. And most of the time that conversation means celebrity gossip.
What’s going on with the stars is the only thing almost everyone keeps up with that’s neutral ground (i.e. not politics or religion). But if you’re one of those rubes who’s too busy living life to open up a tabloid or check in with Perez Hilton, then you probably have no idea how to participate in such discussion. But no worries, we’ve got you. Keep appearances alive with this guide to faking your way through a conversation on celeb gossip at your next holiday party.

When someone brings up any one these keywords: The Fappening, nude photos, hacking, 4chan…
Shake your head, then joke about what hackers would find on your phone: 76 photo albums of your cats.

Photo Credit: FanPop

When someone brings up a reality star who went to jail…
Talk about your cousin, who is also in jail. Explain how to make a shiv. The most popular people at the party are the ones with life experience.

When someone brings up Kim and Kanye…
Say, “I can’t believe what they did!” If people ask you, “What did they do now?” Laugh heartily and say, “Yeah, exactly! They’re always up to something!”

Photo Credit: My Reaction GIFs

When someone brings up a celebrity’s possible plastic surgery…
Say, “Whatever happened to aging gracefully? Like Zsa Zsa.”

Photo Credit: Perez Hilton

When someone brings up a celebrity affair…
Agree with your peers that it was too good to be true, “just like Janice’s 7-layer taco dip. Great job, Janice.”

Photo Credit: SaySomethingSarcasticc

When someone brings up a celebrity who allegedly checked into rehab…
Say, “Whoa, that’s tough. Who needs a drink?!”

Photo Credit: Wiffle GIF

When someone brings up Taylor Swift dating her friends…
Break out into any T-Swift song, and soon the entire party will join you and forget the question altogether.

Photo Credit: J-14

When someone brings up a celebrity break-up…
Explain the importance of privacy at such a troubling time, then follow your friend into the bathroom to continue the conversation about privacy.

Photo Credit: Funny Junk

When someone brings up a celebrity’s baby bump…
Mumble under your breath, “I heard You-Know-Who is the father.” If anyone questions it, explain, “You didn’t hear it from me,” and then stuff your face with appetizers.

Photo Credit: TiniXOXO.Tumblr.Com

When someone brings up the Royal Couple
Throw your drink on them and say, “I’m sorry, I thought this was America.”

Photo Credit: Perez Hilton

When someone brings up Miley Cyrus…
Get incredibly annoyed and explain, “She’s just being Miley.”

Photo Credit: HollyScoop

When someone brings up Drake and Diddy’s fight…
Dry a tear and say, “Nothing was the same…”

Photo Credit: Buzzfeed

Sure, in all of these responses you’re basically saying nothing at all, but the key here is diversion. We guarantee you that you’re not the only one looking for a way out of empty conversation anyway. Consider this your holiday present to everyone else who’s also silently suffering.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]