Damn it, Ryan Murphy. You did it again. We thought last week’s episode of American Horror Story: Freak Show was too much to handle, but we were definitely wrong. Last night’s episode, aptly titled “Tupperware Party Massacre,” kicked it up several notches. And by “it,” we mean the blood-bathing, weirdly infantile, and over-gelled menace known as Dandy (Finn Wittrock).
So much next-level shit happened last night that needs to be addressed. Luckily, VH1 is here for you. Let’s start by breaking down Dandy’s most psychotic moments, shall we?
1. Dandy goes to Maggie Esmerelda (“Surprise, bitch!” empress) for some spiritual guidance.
Dandy was definitely the star (in the Mommie Dearest sense) of the most recent Freak Show hour. We start the episode with him seeking advice from supreme fake fortune teller Maggie about his lady issues (i.e.: Bette and Dot got a whiff of his crazy and decided to end their rendezvous before it could really begin). Normally, Dandy would go to his mother, Gloria, with these problems, but can’t anymore…because, ya know, he shot her last week. Apparently all of this is really eating him up, and it’s taken the form of him sewing his dead mother’s corpse to the body of a random Avon lady he killed to create a quasi-Bette and Dot life-size puppet to play with. Christ.
Maggie assures Dandy that, even though a “dark cloud” is on the horizon, he will find love and happiness (remember, she’s lying through her teeth). He thanks Maggie, creepily/aggressively pays her $100, and leaves. And we’re left with a scarring image that will never let us look at the Muppets the same way again.
Psycho level: 7.9
2. Dandy pulls a Charles Manson and calls himself God.
Jimmy is basically wasted the entire episode. His first drunk shenanigan is feeding Freak Show newbie Ima Wiggles, the “Fat Lady,” what we believe to be chocolate syrup, and getting sexually aroused (they later have hot-and-heavy sex, much to Maggie’s dismay). This Rachael Ray-approved foreplay comes to a screeching halt when Jimmy spots Dandy leaving Maggie’s fortress and goes to confront him about what really happened to Bette and Dot. All Dandy does is laugh and play the, “Go home, you’re drunk” card before Jimmy sloppily collapses onto the ground after trying (and failing) to punch him. Dandy then towers over Jimmy and says he is his “god” and will have fun destroying him and everything he loves. In his opinion, this is suitable revenge for Jimmy taking the twins. In our opinion, it was just a little too “Don’t drink the Kool-Aid.”
Psycho level: 6.3
3. There’s a massacre…at the tupperware party (mettttta).
After Jimmy shows up sloshed to the tupperware party and starts imagining that his dead mother (Ethel) is there, the — apparently always horny— Stepford gals kick him out and contemplate discussing tupperware for five seconds. But, in the knick of time, Dandy shows up and says his car broke down and he would like to borrow a telephone. Bad mistake, girls. He proceeds to slaughter them all and dump their bloody bodies in the hostess’ swanky indoor pool. No tupperware was purchased.
Psycho level: 10
4. Regina finds out the truth.
Regina is still waiting on her mother’s return (yup, Dandy killed her too), but goes to confront Dandy about all this tomfoolery. When she arrives, she comes across a horrific sight: Dandy drawing himself a blood bath and wearing a grin we typically reserve for when our food arrives at Applebee’s. Dandy reveals he has killed literally everyone, and Regina realizes he is just a tad bit cuckoo; she wants to GTFO of that room pronto. Of course, Dandy locks her in, but has no intention of killing her. In fact, he wants Regina to take a blood bath with him like when they were kids. When Regina refuses, he goes on some nutty rant about how he’s been chosen to be a “god walking among man” and questions when Regina knew he was destined for this “greatness.” Apparently, he’s finally happy now. Happy killing people. Dandy lets her out of the room and then eerily screams, “I am above the law, beyond the law. I am the law.” Yup, BYE.
Psycho level: 8.5
5. Dandy gets the police on his side. Really.
Regina returns to Dandy’s house, police officer in tow. The cop tells Dandy Regina has made some pretty heinous accusations against him, so the lunatic invites them in and even offers the policeman a glass of scotch for good measure. He insists that Regina never lies, so if she says he killed Dora, Gloria, and the gaggle of sexually frustrated housewives, then it must be true. He goes on another “I AM GOD” rant — who is he, Kanye? — before offering the cop $1 million to shoot Regina and join his team of whacko. And you know what? He does it. Now that Dandy is actually the law, he gets his crooked cop to arrest Jimmy for murdering the tupperware ladies.
Psycho level: 6.5
*Exhales.* That was a lot. A few more big hits from the episode:
-In an act of love, Bette said she would choose to die if only one of the twins could live after surgery. Although Dot didn’t reciprocate the gesture, she did something better: called off the procedure. She realized it wasn’t Bette that made her unhappy (duh, she’s the queen), but herself.
-Dot confessed her burning love for Jimmy. He rejected her (like an asshole) because he’s in love with freakin’ Maggie. Sorry, but we’re #TeamBetteAndDot all the way.
-Stanley appeared to make Dell feel worse about killing the world’s greatest gift, Ma Petite. He also whipped it (you know what it is) out, reminding Dell of his closeted homosexuality. Dell attempted to hang himself with Ethel ghost’s encouragement; thankfully Desiree saved him, even though he is a white devil.
Let us know how you’re dealing with Dandy’s demented self in the comments below.
[Photo Credits: FX]