Neil Patrick Harris Can’t Stop Talking to Creepy Dolls on ‘American Horror Story’

Oh, American Horror Story: Freak Show, how we’ve missed you so. You left us with one hell of a cliffhanger in December, but we’re glad you’ve returned — and with a big surprise: Neil Patrick Harris

Yes, everyone’s favorite award show host (and adorable father) is joining Elsa Mars’ Cabinet of Curiosities, and his character Chester is only a tad creepy (read: a deranged man who talks to dolls). Last night’s episode, aptly titled “Magical Thinking,” was full of the most “WTF?!” moments this season. Warning: Lots of spoilers (and, we repeat, a creepy doll) ahead.

Stanley goes after Jimmy’s claws. 

We open the episode with a little refresher that Jimmy is in jail for murdering the housewives from the tupperware party (a crime that AHS’ resident psycho Dandy actually committed). Stanley visits Jimmy and convinces him that he should remove one of his lobster claws to pay for a good lawyer. When Jimmy agrees, Stanley gives him a nausea-inducing liquid and tells the prison guard to call an ambulance. Little do the cops know Stanley already has a “medic” in place to kidnap Jimmy and cut off not one, but both of his claws.

Only one positive that comes from this lunacy (we guess): Dell, Jimmy’s biological father, pays him a visit in the hospital and they share some tender moments.

Chester (NPH) and his weird AF dummy Marjorie make their debut (and Jamie Brewer returns!) 

Chester, a wounded war veteran-turned-chameleon salesman (?!) from Georgia, visits Elsa’s freak show because he can’t believe it exists. He hopes to finally make his dream of becoming a professional magician a reality. Elsa is apprehensive, so Chester pulls out his dummy and “best friend” for some witty banter. Even still, Elsa doesn’t want Chester joining the troupe. However, when she realizes Chester is a capable bookkeeper and could potentially manage the freak show when she moves to Hollywood, she hires him as the opening act. Now on cloud nine, Chester is working on his stage makeup when something crazy happens: His doll Marjorie starts talking and belittles Chester for not asking for top-billing to join the show. That’s right: The doll is alive (or Chester has a mental disorder that causes him to view the doll as real). We didn’t ask for ChuckyRyan Murphy. Now we’re actually going to have nightmares.

Chester doesn’t like being left out of threesomes.  

After Bette and Dot decide to not go through with their surgery, they’re very happy and enjoying some SiStErLy~* love. In respective diary entries, we learn the girls are virgins and hell-bent on finding a gentleman caller to deflower them. After dismissing several freaks from the job, they set their sights on Chester. Bette and Dot visit Chester in his tent as he’s arguing with his doll (naturally), but they ignore this weirdness and start making moves on him. He’s hesitant at first, but gives in when he realizes the girls actually want to “include” him (but only if he can hold Marjorie, because she “relaxes” him). With this, we flash back to Chester’s life just after the war ended. He’s sitting (with, yes, the doll in hand) and watching his then wife and another woman have sex. Apparently, they didn’t want him joining in on their fun. This doesn’t make Marjorie happy, so naturally she (or a schizophrenic Chester) kills the two women.

Jimmy breaks out, and we finally get justice for Ma Petite. 

When the police are driving Jimmy from the hospital to jail, Dell and Amazon Eve ambush the car, killing the officers and bring Jimmy back to camp. But Desiree isn’t quite ready to call Dell a hero. (Remember, in the last episode she and Maggie traveled to the museum showcasing Ma Petite’s murdered body.) Now that Desiree knows the truth, she has a gun pointed at Dell and implores him to confess that he smothered Ma Petite. Once he gives it up — bam! — Elsa shoots him in the back of the head. Turns out, Maggie showed Elsa Ma Petite’s body as well.

Dandy wants the twins all to himself, so he fucks with Chester.  

When Dandy finds out Chester had sex with Bette and Dot (he hired a private detective to sleuth around the freak show), he becomes enraged because “they were supposed to be [his].” Meanwhile, Marjorie is unhappy she has to sleep in a crate and that Chester made Bette and Dot his magician assistants. As revenge, she threatens to tell everyone Chester murdered his wife and her friend. After Elsa officially offers Chester the troupe owner gig, he manages to snag Elsa’s fully furnished tent for Marjorie (because he’s making her the “headliner”). Now jazzed, Chester skips back to tell Marjorie the news but SHE IS GONE. Police arrive to investigate the two murdered police officers and Jimmy’s disappearance, but Chester crazily insists they put out an APB for his damn doll.

While manically searching for Marjorie around the camp, Chester runs into — whatd’ya know! —  Dandy, wearing a fur coat and strangely playing on a merry-go-round. He tells Chester he knows where Marjorie is and that she’s very upset with him. Apparently, she’s really going to reveal Chester’s crimes. He’s desperate to make amends with Marjorie now, so Dandy says she’s waiting for him…in the big tent.

Marjorie calls the shots. 

After Chester apologizes, Marjorie smirks and says she wants top-billing in the show and to get rid of the people keeping them apart. To her, that means Chester needs to cut Bette and Dot in half using the saw-box he found in camp storage. When he found the box, he excitedly told the twins and even revealed the secret behind the classic trick. Now, Marjorie wants to turn Chester’s joy into horror and actually slaughter these girls. She’s taking HBIC to a whole new level. (Alright, she may not even be alive, but it’s fun to think she is.)

It’s only getting crazier, guys. What did you think of NPH’s Freak Show character? Sound off in the comments below.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]