‘Empire’: Cookie Gets a Death Wish and Tiana Gets a Girlfriend

Michael Arceneaux

On last night’s Empire, Hakeem and Jamal continued to compete over which Lyon son will be America’s Next Top Musical Act to Benefit from Nepotism while their eldest brother, Andre, kept up his sabotaging act with the help of his wife, Rhonda, the bib-wearer. Meanwhile, Cookie testified in court, hired a hit man who also makes a mean bologna sandwich, and revealed to us that she used to wear the same wigs as Mary J. Blige in the ’90s.

Exhibit A.

Then there was Lucious, who both proposed to his girlfriend, Anika Boo Boo Kitty, and reminisced over the love he had with Cookie on their wedding anniversary. Still, the episode left us with some questions.

1. Who is responsible for allowing Hakeem and Tiana to brand their sort of relationship/business arrangement “Takeem,” and why are they still employed?

2. No disrespect to the swirl, but is every gay couple on this show going to be interracial? There’s nothing wrong with that since I love Mariah Carey and North West. I just know the Black LGBT wing needs their equivalent of Beyoncé and Jay Z and Portia and Ellen.

3. If Tiana was so dead set on keeping her relationship with another woman secretive, why would she start spooning with her on a couch at a photo shoot with a dozen people around? She learned nothing from Chris Brown, Rihanna, and Karreuche Tran.

4. Did you know you could upload videos of R&B singers making out with their secret girlfriends directly to Perez Hilton? Yeah, me neither.

5. Was Jamal’s raggedy, bullet-hole decorated studio located in 1994? I’m almost certain the dude who routinely walks around Harlem advertising studio time for $20 an hour has better facilities.

6. Though we know the brothers are competing to control Empire Entertainment, in terms of music, why is Hakeem (the rapper) so worried about what Jamal (the R&B singer) is doing? Rae Sremmurd ain’t thinking about Frank Ocean. Young Thug is not pressed over Miguel’s latest EP. Help me understand your position, Hakeem. The same goes for the rest of that family.

6. Doesn’t Terrence Howard always sound like he’s on the verge of crying about freedom? You know, especially when it’s a more dramatic scene, which on this show is every scene ever filmed.

7. No shade to Lucious Lyons’ business acumen, but who on Earth would want to wear record label-themed sneakers?

8. Moving back to the music for a second, the hook of Hakeem’s new single includes the line, “I do my dance like drip drop.” What in the hell does that even mean? Please advise.

9. Isn’t “Drip Drop” one of the worst songs ever?

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