Let’s turn back the clock to 2003. Beyoncé was slaying us with “Crazy in Love,” Britney Spears was kissing Madonna — oh! — and Paris Hilton was the queen of reality television.
The Simple Life premiered in August 2003; for five seasons, we were enthralled by Hilton and Nicole Richie’s “rich girls hit the country” shenanigans. When the show ended in 2007, we got a new reality venture, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. The MTV competition show centered on Hilton’s quest for a new best friend, and included plenty of her punchy witticisms and, “I’m so hot” prowess. But that ended just one year later, and the only other television treat we’ve received since was Oxygen’s tepid 2011 failure The World According to Paris (oh, and a few Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cameos).
Aside from some DJ-ing, America’s favorite socialite has basically been M.I.A. for four years, and it’s time we got her back. Kim Kardashian, eat your heart out. When it comes to reality comedic gold, there will only be one Paris Hilton. Let’s examine the reasons why the original heiress needs to return to television ASAP.
She’s actually the most relatable person to ever grace TV.We’re all essentially Paris Hilton. Look at her letting her blue collar roots shine! We’d love her thoughts on the economy.
We might get a new musical catch phrase, à la “Sanasa!”If reality television tunes could be eligible for the Best Original Song Oscar, Hilton and Richie’s original smash would’ve won four years in a row.
We can indulge in her love of desserts.Like this prime moment when she called Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls a “little blonde bitch.”
She’ll give more enlightening insight into the motorcycle industry.Like, clearly pink Choppers are the best.
Speaking of reality TV icons, Hilton told us in 2013 that she is a huge fan of Honey Boo Boo. Watch her explain why (and name her 35 pets) in the video below.
We’ll get more brilliant catchphrases.That’s cold, perhaps?
Her cultural curiosities have no limits.To answer your question, P, we don’t know, either.
Her relationship advice is golden, and we need more.Just call her Oprah.
She is the queen of facial expressions.Paris is not pleased.
She made the word “bitch” a term of endearment before Britney.What a feminist pioneer.
She knows how to clean the house on a time crunch.A true homemaking legend.
Are Paris and former BFF Kim Kardashian on the outs? The Gossip Table has more info.
She’s an innovative chef.Your bacon will taste better because Hilton made it.
She makes doing laundry look super ~sTyLiSh and editorial.That pout is Fashion Week ready, to be honest.
More people will dance uncontrollably once she’s back on television.Like this body-shaking maverick who received Hilton’s seal of approval.
She asks the hard questions.What exactly is “wall stuff?” Probably something iconic.
To sum it all up, she’ll bring joy to literally everyone who watches her.
May she bless our living rooms (again) like she did this lucky baby. She’s basically the female Jesus.
Do you want a Paris Hilton TV comeback? Let us know in the comments below.
[Photo Credit: Getty Images]