‘Empire’: Lucious Says He’s Dying and Cookie Can’t Keep Her Goodies in a Jar

Michael Arceneaux

On the latest Empire, Lucious took a tumble while his ex-wife Cookie both saved the day and got laid. Salute that woman because she is the show, the after party, and the hotel.

She deserves some good loving even if it’s from a man who talks like he has a cold and he’s trapped in a haunted house. Meanwhile, Naomi Campbell is lost in contemporary colloquialism, Jamal has lost his boo thang, and once again, Andre has lost his damn mind. Let’s talk it out, folks.

1. Does hip-hop really require this much showmanship to sell itself in 2015?

I should probably stop belaboring this point, but these potential investors were treated to a concert, some Cirque du Soleil-like shit, and an all you can eat rich people food buffet to help a rap label go public. In 2015, no less, when hip-hop has long proven its money-making potential. Those people would’ve been likely to get a Vine video out of me.

2. What is a bae?
As much as I love Naomi Campbell, I couldn’t date anyone who doesn’t know what “bae” means. She doesn’t get a pass because of age either because old Black couples have been using that term to call each other that since the first fish fry. Maybe it’s because she’s British. In any event, here’s a small tidbit for y’all: Remember when Nay-Nay was dating Malik Yoba’s character on New York Undercover? Well, Williams’ son G is way older than Hakeem. These two are playing Kylie and Tyga. Shout out to Amber Rose.

3. So we’re bonding over baby mamas now?
Leave it to Lucious to bond with his son Jamal over the prospect of him knocking up a woman he forced him to have a sham marriage with years ago. Even before they take a paternity test. What kind of rap label boss claims a baby without confirming with a home paternity test?

4. Did Courtney Love use “CP Time?”
Lee Daniels, you’ve got to chill with some of these lines in the script.

5. What kind of security team misses an Amber Alert in progress?
Jamal’s possible daughter was just chilling in an elevator all her lonesome and it took Malcolm Deveaux (Derek Luke) that long to notice? What part of the game is this?

Taraji P. Henson shares her thoughts on life’s pleasures with emojis.

6. Why is Boo Boo Kitty such a despicable human being?
Though I understand each of them are in some twisted competition to rule all over Empire Entertainment, why would Anika drug recovering addict Elle Dallas to sabotage her performance at such an important event for Lucious? That’s BAE, and more importantly, that’s your meal ticket and you’re putting his professional life in that much danger? Girl, roll over.

7. How lame is Michael for leaving Jamal?
Part of my disdain for Michael leaving Jamal might be rooted in my belief that Jamal chose the wrong Michael. However, Jamal didn’t even get to cheat on him a few times before he dropped him. Like, OK, he didn’t claim you on TV, but that was one interview, homie. You are not ride or die, wrong Michael and now you’ll never get to quote Eve rap lyrics like, “I like to rock Prada suits and my ass is fat!” Loser.

8. Who has a better scarf game than Jamal?

9. What was Jamal and Hakeem’s performance supposed to be?
Itchy and Scratchy were on stage rapping about TVs and microwaves or whatever. I thought I was watching an expensive commercial for Rent-A-Center or a pawn shop. Or Radio Shack, I guess. R.I.P.

10. So no one bothered to research ALS?

You would think Boo Boo Kitty might have hopped on the Google to do a little digging about what symptoms her future husband might be subjected to in order to be better prepared on how to handle what’s to come. That would’ve been too much like right, though.

11. How did Andre go from LA Reid to DMX so fast?
My man did not take hearing the news about his dad’s disease well at all, y’all.

12. Why didn’t Cookie keep her goodies in the jar?

Part of me was happy to see Cookie screw Lucious on the bed he shares with Boo Boo Kitty, but the other part felt Lucious doesn’t deserve Cookie’s cakes ‘cause he let her rot in prison for several years. Did he even put money on her book? I just get the feeling this is going to end with Cookie singing Mary J. Blige’s “Not Gon’ Cry” before she sets Lucious’ mansion on fire while rapping Lil’ Kim’s “Queen Bitch” outside. But good luck, sis. You’re going to need it.

13. Why is Gabourey Sidibe’s wig still that color?

I will keep asking this question until I get a new answer and see a better wig.

14. Did we see enough Porsha last night?

15. Does your local news affiliate do the most after Empire airs?
Since Empire starting airing, the local FOX news affiliate in NYC interviews a different rapper every week and has news segments on random features like gang members turned rappers and explanations of why you get the munchies after smoking weed. At this rate, it won’t be long before they’re doing investigate reports on spades and the best ribs in Brooklyn. Other cities, is this you, too?

Love and Hip Hop Atlanta star and Empire superfan Joseline Hernandez thinks Cookie was based on her.

[Photo Credit: FOX]