Last night’s Empire was two hours, but had enough going on to fill a 96 hour block of television. Let’s just skip the introduction and try to tackle it all. Well, as much as humanly possible anyway. I am one only man, y’all.
Did Olivia and Fitz let Cookie and Malcolm borrow their Vermont villa?
That house looked familiar. Get yours, though, Cookie.
How has no one made a “Gimme that Becky!” joke yet?
This has bothered me all season long. Plies didn’t make that trifling song for the Empire writers to miss the chance for this cheap, juvenile joke. There’s always season two.
How do you rate Snoop Dogg’s cameo?
This man will never miss the chance to collect a check. I don’t have much to say about his acting, but I will note that he’s basically become the rap version of The Gap Band.
How terrible was that freestyle with Snoop, Titan, and Hakeem?
‘Twas Bloody awful. Hakeem saved the day by going Nicki Minaj because that cypher was giving me Iggy Azalea. Bless his jaw because Lucious knocked the simp out of him for those disses.
So when are we going to get Hakeem therapy for his mama issues?
I understand that Hakeem wanted to hurt his no good daddy for sending his much older girlfriend away to wherever the hell she went, but get revenge by screwing his dad’s former-fiancé and his almost stepmom is some serious creep shit. I wish Hakeem well, but he’s going to have to stop messing with women who can remember him when he was in pre-k.
What is a Black Rambo?
Answer: A wack ass rapper. God bless.
So what was Jennifer Hudson’s character supposed to be again?
She was a therapist who uses music to heal, but then got on her knees in between Andre’s legs on the ground to pray for him only to later bring him to choir rehearsal – to ultimately decide to sign with Empire Entertainment. She went from Fraiser to Jesus to Juicy J so fast, I completely lost track about her purpose. I do know she woke up Jesus from his nap during that choir rehearsal scene.
Did Andre get saved?
I feel like Lee Daniels was trolling Tyler Perry with this storyline of Andre suffering from bipolar disorder/Marvel comic character disease only to magically be back on the up and up after some church service. I mean, did Jesus also bless him with a better dosage of medication? Whatever the case, he wasn’t exactly the nicest Christian sitting in the pews, now was he?
Empire’s own Taraji P. Henson uses emojis to reveal her feelings on some of life’s biggest pleasures.
Why didn’t Cookie just go with Malcolm?
Malcolm had a high paying government job and promised to take care of Cookie; she refused to go with him. You wouldn’t catch me letting someone who sexually satisfied me with great government benefits go.
How did Lucious and Jamal become BFFs so fast?
One minute he’s a sissy that could never, ever be his successor, the next Lucious is telling his son, “C’mon sis, help me write this song!” That back and forth was hysterically bad, by the way. I mean, I like the idea of Lucious telling Jamal to be the The-Dream to his Tricky Stewart, but their relationship went from 0 to 100 too quick.
When did Jamal become Suge Knight?
If Vanilla Ice was watching Empire last night, I imagine he felt a way about that scene featuring Jamal dangling Berretti over the balcony over Lucious’ publishing – you know, the way Suge Knight allegedly did Vanilla Ice back in the early ’90s. Jamal does have a lot of residual anger, but that seems so far fetched. Or maybe I’m just mad he didn’t hit Lucious with a trashcan when they went back to his childhood home. Whatever, Jamal is both Frank Ocean and the trade. Bow down?
What do you mean Lucious doesn’t have ALS?
Lucious is too damn rich to be having doctors misdiagnose him. That bait and switch was so cheap.
Don’t you wish Cookie managed to smother Lucious into hell?
There’s always next season. That said, it was hysterical to see Lucious present Cookie with the pillow she tried to murder him with as a gift.
Did Lee Daniels cut #BlackLivesMatter organizers a check?
The shout out is great, but send those people some money.
Will you miss Vernon?
R.I.P. Meanwhile, can someone calm Rhonda down? You’re a white woman who killed a Black man in self-defense. Girl, you are more than fine. Have faith in yourself and FOX News clapping for your cause.
Can Timbaland produce Patti LaBelle’s next album?
Patti sounded great over that Timbaland beat. Also: Who else immediately sang, “PATTI, PATTI!” when you saw her and her great wig on TV?
Who sings at a rap battle?
What in the after school special hell was that, Jamal? You show up dressed like Eminem in 8 Mile to battle rap a rapper through song? Granted, that man couldn’t rap worth a damn – he made Silkk The Shocker look like Nas. Still, at least sing a fire verse. Jamal started singing about the way God made him, blah, blah: that ain’t HOT. I do not condone singing during Freestyle Wednesday, but if you are going to do it, you have to come hard like Jazmine Sullivan in “Mascara.”
Isn’t “Tell me why I shouldn’t throw this drink in your bitch ass face?” the line of the year?
Goodness, I already miss Cookie. What a fantastic line. As for Boo Boo Kitty, girl, I respect you for fighting back, but you almost died. Debutante’s can’t take out ex-cons who are mad you screwed both their ex-husband and youngest son.
Will Lucious bring the pain in season two?
Probably. I can’t stand that whispering demon, but I cannot wait to see what happens next.
‘Til next season!
We have our own idea of who should guest star on Empire in season two.
[Photo Credit: FOX]