We Gotta Go To War: The Best Moments From Mob Wives Episode 9

The ladies of Mob Wives take a time out from Staten Island this week and head to Connecticut and Arizona for some time away. What were the best moments from this week’s show? Clearly the ones having to do with Drita running away from an attack dog in fear and Love inadvertently arousing the same dog, but let’s discuss them all below.
No Weapons On The Table

At Ang’s Christmas dinner party, Love and Renee already called in sick, so that means two fewer enemies for Carla to tussle with. You know what I say? Kudos to her for even braving the party, because I wouldn’t want to go either, but while Karen and Ramona give her the cold shoulder and basically make fun of her behind her back, Ang hilariously clears all the knives from the table on account of what happened with Carla and Renee the last time, and explains “NO weapons on my table.”

“Damn, I Love You, B—h”

Yes, this phrase was uttered by Ramona, ABOUT Drita. Karen and Ramona are on Carla’s case for waving the butter knife of legend and lore in Renee’s face, and Carla is annoyed because a) it’s history and b) they weren’t there. But when they ask Drita what she’d do if someone, anyone, waved a butter knife in her face, she says she’d shove the thing down that person’s throat. Ramona loves this. Can’t get enough of this. “When Drita tells me she would have shoved the butter knife down Carla’s throat, I’m like, damn! I love you, b—h! ’Cause that’s what I woulda did.” Drita isn’t trying to take sides or go against Carla, but she was the one who was there at the butter knife fiasco brunch and tells Carla that the problem is that even after Renee stopped, Carla didn’t. She kept “zingin’ it.” And that’s the end of the world’s most awkward Christmas party ever.

Road Trip! Part 1

Renee has decided that for her own security and sanity, she needs he protection of an attack dog. So she surprises Ang, Love, and Drita with a little trip to find the perfect “dog that is going to kill you.” “Renee is the last person in the world that should have an attack dog because she screams all the time,” Drita says. Good point. But it will give her peace of mind so there’s no turning back. “The dog will be paranoid all day long. He needs Xanax, that motherf—er.”

These here dogs that they’re looking at are no joke, even their trainer tells Renee they might be TOO aggressive for her needs, but those words are music to her ears. After they watch some demonstrations of the dogs’ biting, gnawing and murder by tooth-grip, Ang comments that the German Shepherd was “dragging that guy around like a Muppet.” Renee leaves empty-handed, possibly because the price tag of an attack dog is upwards of $15,000. But not before Love accidentally turns the vicious killer on with her charm.

Road Trip! Part 2

While Renee is busy finding her Cujo, Karen and Ramona have taken a surprise trip to Arizona so Karen can figure out what Dave’s deal is with his new girlfriend. But when Karen gets to the house she owns (which Dave lives in, rent-free), it appears that he’s not actually living there after all. None of his stuff is there, the TV doesn’t work, it’s a real ghost town. “Now he’s playing me. I’m paying bills in this motherf—er!” Karen says. At the very least she gets to see Karina while she’s there,

but she still needs to confront Dave to see what his deal is. Lucky for her, he walks right in, shocked to see her because he tells her straight away that he doesn’t live at the house anymore, he was just swinging by to see the dog. Bad move, Dave! “I didn’t know I had to report to you,” he tells her. And when she asks why he didn’t tell her he moved out, he says the next-worst thing he could say “Because I didn’t feel like it.”

The Twilight Zone

Karen and Dave have it out for real as the conversation progresses, mainly because Karen waited for Dave to get out of prison, she put her life and her desire for more kids on hold, and now, he’s blatantly disrespecting her. He’s keeping secrets, allowing her to pay his way, and making his girlfriend, Rebecca, a prominent part of Karina’s life without Karen’s knowledge. Karen is ready to end all civil communication with Dave, but Ramona, who was listening in to the whole fight, took things in a different way. “I think I really like him for you,” she tells Karen. After all the fighting and threats to end it all, Ramona wants Karen to try to reconcile. “I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone,” Karen says, totally thrown off.

Karen’s Past

Being in Arizona stirs up a lot more than just relationship issues for Karen. She and her whole family moved out there to escape “the lifestyle” but when she was a new mom just trying to get on her feet, she, her brother, and Dave all got involved in an ecstasy drug ring and their home was raided. Scary stuff, and it was the reason that Dave, her brother, Gerard, and her father, Sammy The Bull, all ended up in prison.

Karen carries the guilt of being involved in something that sent her loved ones to prison (not to plug too hard or anything but you can read the whole story of her involvement in the drug ring in her book, Mob Daughter). There’s hope to see her father again soon though, because even though Sammy has been in solitary confinement for a few years (yikes), Gerard has found a loophole that could get Sammy an early release. “They gave him more time for being Sammy the Bull,” Karen says, so now, she tells her brother, it’s time to get him back. As is the mantra on this show, she says “We gotta go to war!”

Related: Shopping For Cujo: Read The Funniest Mob Wives Live-Tweets Of The Night