SpongeBob Is a Tampon + Other Conspiracy Theories That Will Change the Way You See Bikini Bottom Forever

I'm (not) ready!

It’s very possible SpongeBob SquarePants is one of two things: a delightful children’s show chock-full of nutty aquatic characters—orrrrr a dark, sinister program rampant with X-rated symbolism. Night and day, right?

The former definition is most likely true, but the Internet can’t get enough of the latter. People are obsessed with concocting f—ed up theories about SpongeBob and his gaggle of pals. If the Web trolls are accurate, Bikini Bottom’s finest are nothing but drug-addicted mutant sinners with mental disorders. (In other words, A+ family programming.)

Here are eight SpongeBob SquarePants theories that will change the way you view the Krusty Krab for life. Do not proceed unless you want your childhood destroyed.

  • 1 Each Bikini Bottom character represents one of the seven deadly sins.
    Chew on this: Patrick is sloth; Squidward is wrath; Mr. Krabs is greed; Plankton is envy (and green); Gary is gluttony; Sandy is pride (I HEART TEXAS); and SpongeBob is lust.

  • 2 SpongeBob is drunk in that picture from “The Secret Box” episode.
    We all remember Season 2, when Patrick had a secret box containing “one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at [the] Christmas party.” Well, a creative stan thinks SpongeBob is hammered in that photo. Here is the (rumored) scoop: SpongeBob got a little too wasted at the Christmas party, and Patrick snapped a photo of his sloppy friend. He then stored it in his secret box. WTF, Patty?

  • 3 The characters are based on different mental disorders.
    SpongeBob has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD); Patrick has eating disorders; Squidward has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD); Sandy is narcissistic; Mr. Krabs is “impulsive with obsessive fixations”; Plankton has depression; and Gary has various anxiety disorders.

  • 4 SpongeBob commits suicide in the episode “SpongeHenge.”
    Fair warning: morbidness ahead. A fan thinks SpongeBob killed himself after he loses everything in a windstorm. He goes to heaven and asks King Neptune if he can have a personal slice of heaven to play in. Neptune obliges, and what you see in following episodes is SpongeBob’s “heaven”—not Bikini Bottom.

  • 5 SpongeBob is actually a tampon.
    This one is hysterical. TheJongasm made a video in June 2014 explaining how SpongeBob could, in fact, be a tampon. Here is the main evidence: 1. He’s crazy absorbent, like a tampon. 2. He resides in Bikini Bottom. 3. One of his BFFs is named Sandy Cheeks. (Just think about it for a second.) Ridiculous and hilarious.

  • 6 The characters exist because of nuclear testing gone awry.
    By far, this is the most popular SpongeBob conspiracy on the Web. It requires a little backstory first. In 1946, several nuclear devices detonated over the Pacific Ocean island Bikini Atoll, creating radiation. SB’s Bikini Bottom is located in Bikini Atoll, so one reddit user put the pieces together. He/she thinks radiation from the nuclear testing created SpongeBob and his bizarre friends.

  • 7 SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Sandy are drug addicts.
    SpongeBob does meth (high energy and emotional changes); Patrick is a pothead (mellow, positive, and always hungry); Squidward uses heroin (deceiving and avoids eye contact); Mr. Krabs is on cocaine (irritable, paranoid, and obsessed with money); and Sandy is an alcoholic. Isn’t the Internet a warm, fuzzy place?

  • 8 The TV show “turns” children into homosexuals.
    Yup. In 2012, the Ukrainian National Expert Commission on Protecting Morality claimed SpongeBob’s colorful and cheeky persona was a shrewd ploy to promote and encourage homosexuality in Ukrainian children. SHIELD YOUR EYES, KIDS!