Before you even read this and begin to sharpen your Internet troll-related weapons, know that just because an actor made this list of random people cast in galactic movies, doesn’t mean they’re not talented or didn’t deserve the roll. It just means that seeing actors like Anne Hathaway and Charlie Sheen pretend to give a shit about the seriousness that comes with outer space still feels random as fuck. It’s the way it is, and no formula NASA provides can solve it.
Today, Martian starring Matt Damon premieres. And although I wouldn’t mind two hours of that hunk of man floating around in the galaxy, together, maybe we can figure out what these other actors were doing in movies about outer space. There’s still hope.
Anne Hathaway, Interstellar (2014)Paramount
Chopping off your hair doesn’t prove you to be more tough and fit for space, Anne. We know who you really are. That’s someone who cries while giving overly dramatic acceptance speeches, not while braving outer space like a damn champion.
Kevin Bacon, Apollo 13 (1995)Universal
Kevin needs to kick off his Sunday shoes, and by Sunday shoes, I mean anything but space boots. Apollo is a great flick, but we prefer KB to navigate his way through the dance floor, not the Milky Way.
Chris Tucker, The Fifth Element, (1997)Columbia
People this funny aren’t allowed in space. It’s never been done before and when they attempted it here, I’m not entirely sure how the space station just didn’t shut down immediately.
Chris Pine, Star Trek (2009)Paramount
People this pretty aren’t allowed in outer space, either. You could get hurt out there, and how could pretty people continue on with life with so much as a small scratch on their face? They can’t.
Dennis Quaid, The Right Stuff (1983)Warner Bros.
Dennis. We need to talk. Unless your twin daughters were separated at birth and are trying to find their way back into each others’ lives, I really don’t want to hear it out of you, sir.
Alan Tudyk, Serenity (2005)Universal
Alan is, and shall forever only be, Dodgeball’s Steve the Pirate. I’m not trying to put him in a box I’m just saying what the rest of the world, or shall I say planet, is thinking.
Vin Diesel, Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)Marvel/Disney
There aren’t cars in space, Vin. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but it’s true. So stay the hell on earth and let us watch your beautiful biceps as your grip steering wheels and ride ferociously into our hearts.
Denise Richards, Starship Troopers (1997)Tristar
See item on Chris Pine, above.
Charlie Sheen, The Arrival (1996)Orion
Alas, Denise Richard’s ex husband, who also had no business whatsoever being in a movie about space. I don’t care how frantic you make yourself look, Charlie Sheen, you and I both know you probably don’t even know what space is so stop acting like you care.
David Hasselhoff, Starcrash (1978)New World Pictures
We all know chances of finding a body of water to run sexily and slowly along are slim-to-none up there. Sir, get down to earth where you and your Baywatch babes damn well belong.
Molly Ringwald, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (1983)Columbia
As for you, Molly, there are no high schools in space. Which means no prom, no acting like the bitchy popular chick, and no awkward teen love triangles. It’s cute that you tried, though, it really is. B+ and only one detention for you.