The day has come, Beyhive.
Your Lord and Savior Beyonce was in these New York City streets last night wearing what might have been every single Christmas-themed article of clothing she’s ever owned. The Queen was looking a mess and thank Beysus for this blessed reminder that she’s still mortal, lest we all buy into the idea that she sold her soul to the Illuminati for eternal youth and world domination and shit.
Bey attended Parkwood Entertainment’s holiday party last night, according to Beylite, which is essentially Bible. She rolled up in the ensemble of the year, wearing a sweater dress UNDERNEATH a Christmas sweater that had a garland and ornaments. She was a walking Christmas tree, people. Mrs. Claus never had a chance.
Why would the Queen leave her palace looking like this, you ask? Stupid question. She’s Beyonce, you plebeians. Don’t forget.
Having said that, we think it’s possible that this time around, there’s more to the story. For example, is she pregnant? Here are some of the factors we think caused Beyonce’s Christmas outfit to look as slopped together as a Bossip article.
She’s pregnant.Getty Images
This outfit is a definite sign that Blue Ivy’s sibling is on the way. It’s clear as day, people. Beyonce is obviously trying to cover up her stomach, confusing us with horizontal stripes and wearing a chunky sweater so as to distract from her baby bump. Think of the garland as a seat belt for the growing fetus.
She’s trying to dethrone Mariah Carey as Christmas Queen.Getty Images
Beyonce knows that Mariah’s musical career has been on the rocks lately (Remember that god-awful holiday concert she gave last year?), so now is the time for her to step in and claim her stake as Christmas Queen. She’s been eyeing Mariah’s beloved throne for decades now, and any queen knows all too well that you can’t ever settle. You must take all of the thrones available.
Blue Ivy dressed her.
This outfit has Blue Ivy written all over it. Beyonce probably had a nice dress laid out on her bed earlier in the day when Blue came stomping in, sprinkling the Christmas spirit right on it. Ever an encouraging mother, Bey had no other choice but to wear her daughter’s creation.
Those glasses are almost definitely Illuminati.Getty Images
Beyonce is almost definitely Illuminati, so you know those glasses are, too. Parkwood Entertainment’s offices are like a temple for Illuminati practices. Last night’s “holiday party” was code for “animal sacrifice.”
She’s flexing her acting chops by showing up as Mrs. Claus.Getty Images
We all know that Bey wants an “iconic dramatic role” on the big screen, so this is just her way of preparing for that. She’s starting small by pretending to be Mrs. Claus because holiday season or whatever. The more serious stuff is coming. Stay woke.
Solange strong-armed her into wearing it.Getty Images
You know how protective Bey and Solange are of one another, don’t you? Solange was clearly pissed that she wasn’t meeting her Instagram likes quota for the month, so she asked Bey to wear a horrendous outfit last night so that people would once again recognize Solange as the fashionable sister. I mean, she is, isn’t she?