People Who Were Literally You During Obama’s State of the Union Address… At the State of the Union Address

Lady in the back texting... man sleeping sitting up...

I was semi-interested in watching Obama’s final State of the Union address tonight, until I remembered politicians tell us whatever we want to hear and professionally blow steam up our asses. At that moment, three-and-a-half minutes in, I already found myself zoning out and dreaming about Popeyes when I realized I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone at all. Attendees in the same room as the leader of our nation couldn’t have looked less fazed and I don’t feel nearly as bad about myself as I did before. Here are your State of the Union spirit animals, trying just as hard as you were to pay attention.

  • This man, who’s literally using his hand as a prop to keep his sleeping head from falling off his body.

    NBC
  • This fashionista who exerted all of her energy on picking a fabulous outfit and has no f—s left to give.

    CBS
  • This guy who won’t even hide that he’s killing it at Candy Crush.

    NBC
  • These helpless people, who understand this speech just as we did Inception.

    NBC
  • This dude who is livid about missing his GTL session.

    NBC
  • This glass of water, minding its own business while everyone else vigorously sits and stands like they’re at church.

    NBC
  • This team player who has absolutely no idea why he’s even clapping right now.

    NBC
  • This man who is miraculously sleeping with his eyes open.

    Getty
  • This lady texting bae that her body is ready.

    NBC
  • This genuinely perplexed gentleman and his eyebrows.

    NBC
  • This guy who’s all cocky because he actually knows what Obama is talking about for once.

    NBC
  • This woman, crying because she’s sitting here instead of guzzling wine and watching last night’s episode of The Bachelor.

    NBC
  • This entire group of pissed off men.

    NBC
  • This saint in red who finally gave up on keeping her eyes open.

    NBC
  • This poor woman who just can’t catch a break tonight.

    NBC
  • This man and his internal struggle of wondering why this is two hours long.

    NBC
  • This professional daydreamer.

    NBC
  • This American patriot who couldn’t be any more over this or his country if he tried.

    NBC
  • These women combined, when you remember that you cancelled your dinner plans for this.

    NBC
  • This man who’s wearing pure disgust on his face like the newest Yeezys.

    NBC
  • And lastly, this texting icon, sitting enthusiast and rebel.

    NBC

We are all one.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber