Everything The Sims Taught Us About Relationships

Monogamy is a bitch for virtual hotties.

Today is the 16th birthday of the legendary video game, The Sims. Congrats, you’re officially ancient. Time flies when you’re virtually warding off the Grim Reaper.

While indulging in your once-favorite and only (let’s be real) pastime, you may have been too busy putting out house fires or cleaning up your slob kabob pad to be bothered by real adult things like relationships and WooHoo (Sims term for sex). But those things existed, my friends. They very much did.

Your adolescent self may not have realized all of the virtues in romance the game so graciously taught us. And the lessons keep on comin’, because if you didn’t know, The Sims is still being made. Here’s what the game taught us about the trials and tribulations of love that we’re just learning as adults. Can’t say we weren’t warned.

  1. Commitment is a struggle.

    EA

    Expecting Sims to keep it in their pants was like expecting Peter Gunz to stop having babies. As Hilary Duff’s Cinderella Story character says: “Useless and disappointing.” Relationships in The Sims are usually brief, and Sims thrive from juggling multiple lovers and dodging getting caught cheating. In other words: this is rare.

  2. That said, variety is the spice of life.

    EA

    Sims refuse to deny basic human instinct like we do. They makeout with whoever they please, make Woohoo with different characters, love to flirt, experience multiple partners and if they breakup with someone it takes them all but one hour to hop into the sack with someone new. Yolo personified.

  3. Which is why sometimes it’s better to just fly solo for a hot minute.

    EA

    ^Me, if I were a living Sim.

  4. Going steady is dated as hell.

    EA

    In case you forgot, there are no baby steps in Sims’ relationships. They are in that s–t to win it. You could be engaged to someone you met earlier that day and married within 24 hours. Gotta love their enthusiasm.

  5. If you buy someone a lot of crap, they will love you.

    EA

    Perfect to keep in mind for when you get caught cheating. Which, as we discussed, rarely happens when you’re a sex-ninja Sim.

  6. Foreplay is def not overrated.

    Embedded from www.youtube.com.

    Screw it. The longer the better.

  7. …But breathing during sex is.

    Embedded from www.youtube.com.

    When the entirety of your WooHoo sessions are spent under the covers, there are essentially no chances of discomfort or suffocation. At all.

  8. Cheating will literally come back to haunt you.

    EA

    Sims could get caught in an affair by the ghost of a dead Sim. Not terrifying in the least.

  9. Rejection hurts.

    EA

    When our Sims hurt, we hurt. Avoid this at all costs and if all else fails, look to #5 for backup.

  10. “Making love” is for real.

    EA

    Why else would little cartoon hearts appear over your bed in WooHoo sessions? Because ~love~, that’s why.

  11. Yes, we’re constantly assessing potential sex partners/love interests.

    EA

    If this photo doesn’t perfectly capture the social climate of 2016 then I give up.

EA/tumblr

Looks like Valentine’s Day came early this year.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber