This Week in Celebrity Sorcery

Only one thing can explain these bizarre pop culture events: witchcraft.

Celebrities are strange beings. They break up and make up faster than the dude at McDonald’s gives you super-sized fries. And when they’re not squabbling, they’re spewing bizarre nonsense on social media, getting freaky tattoos and swearing by sage. Simply put, they don’t behave like normal people. Instead of trying to rationally justify their behavior, we have a new theory: Every celebrity in Hollywood is a witch.

Sorcerers. Warlocks. Magic. Yup. How else can you explain why Kylie Jenner and Tyga broke up this week? Or how Skai Jackson burned Azealia Banks so hard on Twitter? There are greater powers at play here. The occult is real. Allow us to explain.

  • Taylor Swift receives her own award.

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    On May 10, the BMI Awards presented Swift with the first-ever–you guessed it–Taylor Swift Award. “If they had chosen someone else to give the Taylor Swift Award to, I’d be kind of bummed about it,” Swift told the crowd during her acceptance speech. Little do we know, though, this is all part of the spell Swift set in motion back in October 2014. 1. Release an album, sell 1 million copies of it in the first week. 2. Possess every celebrity on Earth to join her on tour. 3. Have an award named after her. The three-part incantation. It’s classic (and cosmic).

  • The media talks about Blake Lively’s “baby bump,” but we see nothing.

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    What kind of Rosemary’s Baby s–t is this?

  • Christina Aguilera will perform with a Whitney Houston hologram on The Voice season finale.

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    At least, according to this exclusive report from Entertainment Tonight. But we have a different theory. ET cries “hologram.” We cry vitalium vitalis.

  • This vine of Riley Curry.

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    A witch in the making. She obviously summoned the moon’s energy to properly deliver the perfect stank face. There’s no other logical reason.

  • Justin Bieber’s face tattoo.

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    Branding one’s face with exotic symbols is an obvious sign that black magic is in the air. Yes, boys can be in covens, too.

  • Orlando Bloom allegedly gets cozy with Selena Gomez at a Las Vegas nightclub–while still dating Katy Perry.

    No one knows exactly what went down between these two. However, if–and only if–they got frisky, here’s the reason why: Love Potion No.9. The ingredients are as follows: A sexy silver dress, a text from Taylor Swift shading Perry and vodka. Mix, mutter “Hands to Myself” in Pig Latin and you have yourself a cheating scandal. Well, an alleged one.

  • Ja Rule tweets that Michael Jordan gets paid $1 every time someone uses his crying meme.

    Perfect use of the publicity charm. Ja Rule grabbed his crystals and asked how he could get back in the news. The answer? Tweet something asinine. So, he did. And it worked. However, even witchcraft can’t prepare you for the elixir that is Black Twitter.

  • Skai Jackson, 14, blows grown-ass woman Azealia Banks to smithereens on Twitter.

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    Armed with sly Twitter fingers well beyond her years–and a hex, probably–Jackson had no problem shutting down Twitter troll extraordinaire Banks for good. Like, seriously for good. Twitter suspended Banks’ account after the spat. This is what happens when you let the occult into your life.

  • And, lastly, Kylie Jenner and Tyga break up.

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    Blac Chyna’s curse worked, gosh darn it!