The Internet is still a little pissed off that Beyoncé’s “big” Good Morning America announcement on Monday was that she’s vegan, something most of us already knew. We get it, Bey: You have the resources to eat fancy plants all day. But, for us plebeians, McDonald’s is sometimes our best option.
Queen B isn’t the first celebrity to swear by some whacky diet and (whether they realized it or not) made us feel like we had to do the same. When will these people learn we don’t know what the hell “soup cleansing” even means?
Beyoncé: Cayenne Pepper Lemonade
While she’s all about eating vegan meals now (see above), B was once a crazy dieter. To get slim for her 2006 film Dreamgirls, Bey endured the Master Cleanse. Instead of eating actual food, you drink a lemonade concoction nine times a day made only out of lemons, grade B maple syrup and cayenne pepper. That’s it. We’re 97 percent certain we’d be chewing off our arm by 3 PM.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Soup CleansingGetty Images
Oh Gwyneth; she’s so blissfully unaware of the real world. And this soup cleansing diet we found on her goop website is proof of that. The article suggests we eat soup at every meal, as if that’s a feasible thing. And, to be honest, Leek and Celery Root Soup sounds 100 percent disgusting.
Madonna: MacrobioticGetty Images
It takes a lot of work to be the Material Girl, including eliminating wheat, eggs, meats, and dairy, and extolls from her meals. Madge is on a macrobiotic diet, where she seeks most of her nutrients from some strange entity called “sea vegetables.” (So, essentially, she’s on the Ariel plan.) Madge doesn’t really speak about her diet and exercise regimens — she finds these topics banal — but she did write the foreword to her former private chef’s book Mayumi’s Kitchen (which details this awful way of eating), so we consider that an endorsement. Sorry M, we will take extra-large fries over seaweed any day of the week.
Elizabeth Hurley: Watercress and No BreakfastGetty Images
According to Fox News, Hurley once suggested that adults shouldn’t eat breakfast. Because, ya know, that’s safe. What she does endorse, though, is eating plenty of watercress soup (gag) in order to shed some weight. “I drink at least six cups a day when I am eager to lose a few pounds,” she said, according to Fox. “It’s fat-less, low-calorie, full of vitamins and iron, and delicious enough to serve at a dinner party.” We won’t be angry if we’re not invited, bb.
Megan Fox: VinegarGetty Images
Want to lose some water weight? Fox suggests that you take shots of vinegar to get less puffy. Shots. Of. Vinegar. We can’t even with this, but to each her own.
Adriana Lima: Protein Shakes
According to Fitbie, the supermodel will only eat protein shakes mixed with powdered egg while prepping for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show every year. And, on top of that, she’ll still exercise once or twice a day. The idea of this literally makes us want to gag.
Miranda Kerr: Warm Organic Lemon WaterGetty Images
To get digestion flowing, the model urges the Earthlings who read her blog Kora Organics to drink a class of warm organic lemon water in the morning. While this sounds good in theory, let me paint this picture for you. You wake up 30 minutes after your alarm. You scramble to brush your teeth, let alone shower. Next thing you know, it’s 10 AM…and you’re supposed to be at work at 9:30. So, naturally, you BOIL SOME WATER, squeeze an organic lemon (?!), and drink it. In the words of a woman much wiser than me, ain’t nobody got time for that.
Jennifer Hudson: Throw FoodGetty Images
You read that correctly. “I throw the pancakes across the room! I don’t let the food intimidate me,” Hudson told Yahoo! as one of her secrets to keeping weight off. While Hudson may have the resources to waste carbohydrates so freely, we’re not so lucky. If we can splurge for breakfast out, those pancakes will be going in our mouths. Guaranteed.
Elle Macpherson: Alkaline DietGetty Images
Again, what even is this? Macpherson told ABC News that she stays trim through an alkaline diet, consisting of “vegetables, a little bit of fish, not much protein, no coffee, alcohol.” No more Starbucks? Next.
Jennifer Aniston: Baby FoodGetty Images
Fitbie claims that to get in shape for Just Go With It with Adam Sandler, Aniston ate 14 servings of baby food a day. Is a smaller waistline really worth choking down the same food as a toddler? IS IT?
Kim and Khloe Kardashian: QuickTrim
In 2010, the two sisters started endorsing this random AF diet company called QuickTrim, which allegedly helped them burn more fat and lose weight quickly. (If you need a refresher, watch this super awkward commercial and bask in their self-indulgence. “Sure, let me take this pill and then I’ll instantly look like Kim Kardashian,” said the whole world for about three minutes. It obviously didn’t work out, because A. They got sued for making false claims, and B. Do you hear the girls talking about QuickTrim now? Nah.
Snooki: Zantrex and HGCGetty Images
A few years back, the Jersey Shore star shed some pounds through diet and exercise. Oh, and a little pill called Zantrex and drops of the hormone HGC. According to eDiets.com, Snooki was advocating using Zantrex (which has caffeine in it) before exercising while promoting the pill. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS.