This Week in Celebrity Sorcery: Kylie Jenner’s Crystals, Kanye West’s Incantation + Miley Cyrus’ Face

Kylie Jenner has a crystal garden.

Has this week felt weird to you? Have you stepped in gum more than usual? Did you trip walking into your office yesterday–even though you wore flats? Don’t worry, we feel the weirdness, too. But it has nothing to do with you. There is no bad karma in the air. The reason is simple: celebrity witchcraft.

Something is brewing over in Hollywood, and it’s chock-full of dark magic. The spells A-listers are casting have thrown off everyone’s energy, hence your current gum-in-shoe problem. These are the nine witchiest pop culture moments of the week. Once you read them, every s–ty thing that happened to you on Monday will make sense. The answer is always–without fail–witches.

  • Kylie Jenner has a crystal garden.

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    Which she displayed on Snapchat Wednesday (May 18). Every good witch knows crystals are key to connecting with spirits.

  • Kanye West goes on a bizarre rant on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

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    It made no sense. Literally, no one understood what he said or even if it was English–much like an incantation. Ergo, this was an incantation. A charm. Some kind of spell.

  • Britney Spears’ single release gets delayed several months because of “technical difficulties.”

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    The pop princess was supposed to drop her highly-anticipated single “Make Me” on Friday (May 20)–aptly timed to her Billboard Music Awards performance on Sunday (May 22)–but it’s been delayed due to “technical production difficulties outside Brit and her management’s control.” So, obviously, this only means one thing: Known occult enthusiast Ariana Grande, whose album Dangerous Woman comes out May 20, hexed Brit’s song to prevent any upstaging. It’s the only logical explanation.

  • The Laguna Beach cast reunited 10+ years after the show, and they haven’t aged a day.

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    This is some Mother Gothel from Tangled s–t.

  • Bethenny Frankel calls Sonja Morgan a “fraud” on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of New York City.

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    The Skinnygirl entrepreneur was pissed Morgan called her own brand of Prosecco “Tipsy Girl.” So, in Frankel fashion, she spilled the tea, calling Morgan’s bluff on all of her so-called business ventures. In other words, Frankel was Toto, and Morgan was the man behind the curtain. (See the sorcerer reference?)

  • Lady Gaga calls Dr. Luke Ursula, a famous sea witch.

    The tweet was in reference to Dr. Luke pulling the plug on Kesha’s Billboard Music Awards performance out of fear she’ll say something about their ongoing sexual assault case. We want Kesha’s voice back, too. (But the witch reference doesn’t go unnoticed.)

  • The cast of Teen Witch (1989) reunited.

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    Robyn Lively, Dan Gauthier, Joshua John Miller, Lisa Fuller and Mandy Ingber–the gang’s all here. It doesn’t get more witchy than this, my coven-mates.

  • K.Michelle talked about Rasheeda being a witch (again) on Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta.

    Specifically, she said Rasheeda put a “hex” on her. We believe it.

  • Miley Cyrus contorts her face on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

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    Possession. That’s what is happening here. Call an exorcist.