By Bobby Caruso
Some people grew up on The Fairly Odd-Parents and Hannah Montana. I grew up watching Flavor of Love which explains a lot, when you think about it. Being an intern at VH1, you could say there’s the “when in Rome” mentality, so when I was assigned to watch the show again, I was pretty excited.
Then I realized that I would be watching the entire first season in one sitting. There is no way this will be good for my mental health.
Oh my God. The title of this episode is “15 Beds and a Bucket of Puke.” There’s literally no way this will end well and the announcer’s voice is much deeper and more ridiculous than I remember.
Flavor Flav’s grand entrance is totally modest.
Direct quote while explaining the premise of the show.
Annnnd we have our first set of tears. GIRL YOU CAN’T CRY, WE’RE ONLY SIX MINUTES IN…Flav literally walked in, hugged you, and now you’re all emotional.
YASSSSSSS It’s time for them all to get names! Well, I mean these nice ladies had real names, but it’s time for them to be taken away and be given a pet name that’s probably somewhat degrading.
Without any rhyme or reason this first girl got “Oyster” and she is NOT HAVING IT.
This lyrical poet just said she has “big nipples on her breasts.” Is there somewhere else you have small nipples?
One poor girl couldn’t even get a name. This has been the most awkward moment of the show so far.
Pumkin and New York are sitting together making a connection before Flav sits in between them. Ah, what could have been.
Picasso just said she likes to masturbate…Now there’s a group of them discussing porn. WHAT THE HELL?
Goldie is TURNT
And now she’s puking. We’re gonna save you that image, but trust us with this one.
It’s almost the moment truth. Which five desperate aspiring actress-models who “aren’t here to make friends” will go home first.
Ugh, Hottie got the first clock and she is the most annoying one.
Eliminated: Bubblez, Shellz, Smokey, Picasso, Cherry.
One down, ten to go.
Goldie asked New York a question and somehow that led to Rain screaming bloody murder.
Oyster became Red Oyster at some point
New York just told Pumkin to get a face lift and ish got real.
Pumkin is crying in Flav's arms now. New York had this reaction.
On their date, New York is falling on purpose so Flav picks her up. You gotta do what you gotta do.
The girls decide to confront Miss Latin about her boyfriend she only broke up with one week ago. The house reacts with various facial expressions.
Meanwhile, screaming happens over dinner… which causes one of the girls to get upset.
And of course, Goldie swooped in with her comedic timing…
Oh, and Rain was not happy that New York stayed.
Eliminated: Georgia, Rain, Dimplez, Miss Latin, Apples
Time for a Flav-o-gram. Flav says that the girls will meet some of his very old friends. Their guesses include President Clinton, Madonna, and Chuck D. The reality is much different.
And they were dressed, well…
Don’t worry, the girls were surely put to work.
Goldie, Hoopz and Company teach Pumkin how to dance like less of a white girl.
Meanwhile Sweetie tells Flav she won’t kiss him for three weeks.
Back at the house, New York’s jacket goes missing and she confronts Hottie. Of course, Goldie is there for the best facial reactions.
Who tells her that friends think she looks like Beyoncé…
New York counters that she looks like Luther Vandross. You know what to do Goldie…
New York decides that she should go on the second date of the episode…even though she already went on the first.
Again, Goldie stole my heart. She doesn’t like it so much when OTHER people throw up, which is exactly what happened. Of course she had a witty comment and said “I can feel what he’s going through.”
If Pumkin says she’s a a substitute teacher and cheerleading coach one more time, I might kill her.
As Hoopz threatens to throw her basketball at New York’s face, she becomes the protagonist of the season.
Red Oyster opens her mouth again, this time to tell Flav that Serious is only on the show to be a model. I feel like this big-mouth ish is gonna get old.
Eliminated: Peaches and Serious.
Hottie starts the episode wearing this. No context is given.
Best quote of the episode so far comes from Smiley. “Flav mentioned about going to church. About the only thing I ever did was just pray in bed, and I didn’t even get on my knees…Well not for that anyways.”
New York commented on Hottie’s outfit looking like the devil. And we miss this kind of CGI on television.
They go on a date with Flav’s mom. Spoiler: Nothing interesting happens.
I guess technically this is all a spoiler. Shout out if you’ve made it this far with me. It’s starting to all become very delusional.
New York has a moment when she finds Hoopz and Pumkin in Flav’s bed.
Next the girls were tasked with making Flav the best chicken possible…
We aren’t too sure about Hottie’s culinary skills…
Cue Goldie’s response…
HOTTIE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? FLAV ASKED FOR CHICKEN!
Goldie, you always know how I feel. If you’re still single girl…
They’re going to Vegas.
I’m going insane.
The girls tried their hand at roulette, I was rooting for Goldie obviously.
New York hit it big, winning a date and obviously pissing off everybody.
So the other girls went to a strip club, because what else would you do with free time? Goldie’s golden quote this time? “Even the stripper is laughing at us, that’s bad.”
Just gonna leave this here.
Is it too late to give Goldie a spinoff?
I would apologize for all the Goldie commentary, but she’s the only one who’s keeping my sanity intact.
I’m pretty sure Flav just said he was going to smell the girls. Oh, yeah…he definitely did.
Pumkin called New York fat in her confessional, so this rivalry is really starting to heat up.
To recap, New York fell off a stage while straddling the floor, Flav licked all the girls, and Smiley got topless.
New York got a knife, and everything went to hell.
There was no elimination this episode, but Red Oyster decided to leave after her father was in an accident. Shucks. (Red Oyster pun.)
There are six girls left…Why is Hottie still here? Riddle me that.
Flav was watching ’another reality show’ and then he got Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley, and Pumkin to come to his bed.
Turns out Hottie’s trifling ass was on Blind Date and talked about how she wanted a sugar daddy.
And apparently Pumkin was on Blind Date too.
I’m way too invested at this point.
Brigitte Nielsen…the hell you doing here? And why do you keep calling him Foofy? Oh, lie detector tests. That’s rational.
Hottie basically lied on every question
The girls then got ready to go out for dinner
Brigitte was feeling some type of way about Hoopz and she is taking no prisoners.
WHEN DID PUMKIN GET BRAIDS? Who let this happen?
Smiley’s yelling about something. I should care.
Eliminated: Hottie and Smiley.
There’s only four left!
We are so close!
New York is talking about how much she hates the girls while Goldie is sad she can’t spend her date with the other girls.
She’s too cute.
They’re trying to do yoga which really isn’t working too well.
Although, this is exactly what it looked like when I tried to do yoga.
OKAY, this is no longer yoga.
They all were maybe having too much fun.
How you gonna take two of them to a spa resort and take the others to the zoo.
Flav is finally getting friendly with Goldie… But New York may try to cut that up.
I’m too delirious for puns.
He decided to spend the night with Goldie and New York is having a three-minute existential crisis.
Wait….No! HOW CAN YOU GET RID OF GOLDIE?
If I wasn’t already so emotionally invested I would definitely turn back.
The parents are here, which is no fun now. On the other hand, I would have loved to see Goldie or Hottie’s parents…for very different reasons.
Gourmet meals are in order. At Medieval Times.
And this is Hoopz’ face when she realizes that Flav may fall for her mom instead.
You know, Pumkin and New York have been getting along much better this episode. They do a good job of gossiping about Hoopz together.
I really miss Goldie.
Pumkin started instigating New York, which we both know isn’t going to end well for either one of them. I say both assuming there’s someone still reading this. Thank you for holding on to check if I was still alive by the end of this. I’m doing all right, actually.
All right is a pretty relative term.
Nevermind, New York’s parents are here. I’m doing great for the moment.
New York’s mother just called her fat on national television. Why was this not an outrage?
And she also told New York she will not “Ever, ever, ever, ever …….. ever” marry Flav.
We all know this elimination is the one that really counts…
PUMKIN you’re so aggravating if you left this wouldn’t have happened!
You acting all sly by going over to hug Hoopz before confronting New York
The best moment of reality TV
Was among us.
Basically the most iconic reality TV moment ever.
And this is exactly why they’ve beefed up security for shows like Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. New York really could’ve killed Pumkin if she put in a little more effort. Shout out for self-control, boo-boo.
is Lauren Weissler for VH1/artwork by Casey Kauffmann
Episode 110 *Episode 109 was a recap.
Well now that that happened…
There’s only two left and there’s no way this episode will be nearly as exciting.
They’re going to Mexico. At this point you’re gonna have to do a lot to keep my interest, so the ball is in your court ladies.
At their last meal of sorts, Flav doesn’t seem to know what to do when Hoopz and New York argue about which one of them is more fake.
New York, why you cry so damn much?
Since they’ve exhausted their dating options on land, Flav decided to go zip-lining.
Hoopz was NOT happy with her hair.
While New York, on the other hand was loving every minute of it.
Nothing like some last minute arguments
In the end, Hoopz won grillz that lasted longer than her relationship…
And New York would be forever salty…Until season 2, when she would be the runner-up again
And I’m now going to do some soul searching, I think I need it after all of this.
Runner-up: New York
Honorable Mention: Me, for making it through alive.